The Kirby Zodiac REVEALED!

Here it is, folks! Slight apologies to those whose Signs are more skimpily-described than others…you see, RAB and I were just doing this for FUN…

And stay tuned after, you folks who got personal replies (and Todd)…because I may need your help with something.

Anyway…!

Aries:

“You are KAMANDI, THE LAST BOY ON EARTH, and you live in a world of pure ENCOUNTER!!! Armed with nothing but your WILL, you are the ultimate explorer of a world gone mad and wild, where the maps have all changed and the histories have all been erased — but in you the NATURE OF MAN lives on, and so although you don’t know where you came from, or where you’re going, or what lies ahead, you struggle on, making your OWN purpose out of what you FIND! Because this is not just an ancient Earth, but also a brand-new one…and each day brings a brand-new discovery — and a brand-new FREEDOM — that has never existed before! So THIS, finally, is your true inheritance: the FUTURE…!”

Taurus:

“You are…DEVIL DINOSAUR!!! In an age when giants walk the Earth, you are the mightiest of all! You show the world a FIERCE exterior because past adversity has left you scarred. You may be scared of letting anyone get too close, but that’s only because your inner gentleness still makes you feel vulnerable in spite the thick hide you’ve developed. Yet if some small furry creature needs your help, this same fearsome quality can also make you a staunch protector and a valuable friend.”

Gemini:

“You are…MACHINE MAN!!! Expressions such as “losing face” and “face the facts” may have a bit more magnetic resonance for you than they do for other folks…because your biggest concern is what face you choose to show the world. Sure, you enjoy clever wordplay for its own sake, but those sardonic quips might also be a carefully crafted facade to conceal the truth that you’re really a neurotic bowl of quivering emotional jelly inside. If “The Man” expects you to conform and be predictable, he’ll be surprised at just how hard it is to get hold of you. You REALLY hate being pinned down. Whenever it seems like someone is trying to keep you tied down in one spot, that’s when you’ll reach into your bag of tricks, cancel the gravity equation, and fly away. But it’s important to remember that others have helped make you the person you are today, and may even have made real sacrifices on your behalf. As long as you keep them in mind, you won’t go completely to pieces…and if you do, you’ll be able to pull yourself together again.”

Cancer:

“You are WHITE ZERO, a man looking for answers in a world swept free of questions!!! And this life of comfort should be a PARADISE to you, dreamer: you may have anything you desire, and be anyone you wish…so why is it, then, that you are so restless? What kind of inner wish can you be nurturing, that this perfection is so inadequate to fulfill? You cannot even say; the dream is a hundred times more meaningful to you than reality is, and yet you would sacrifice everything you are to have it be THE OTHER WAY AROUND…you seek out disappointment like others seek out satisfaction, gambling dream and reality both in the hopes of winning something that is BETTER THAN EITHER…and when you finally break open the empty circle of the Self, you will find it: not in the mere receipt of enjoyment, but in the power of CREATION that you were BORN TO EXERCISE…”

Leo:

“You are ODIN!!! All-Seeing! All-Powerful! All-Wise! And yet even you cannot avoid NECESSITY — even you cannot hold off Time, and Fate, and Change. You cannot even hold off the fallibility of your own heart! Your word has been unquestioned Law since the beginning of the world, and the order of things that you have maintained for so long, at such cost, has been created out of pure unselfishness, for nothing but Love…but that’s another cosmic force you can’t control, All-Father, and it’s time you realized it. Because you only rise to your true greatness when you permit others to give it as they wish, freely…but when you try to compel it, you send this universe it’s your duty to protect spiralling towards chaos and ruin. The universe has blessed you with a thousand thousand gifts beyond measure; now it is time for you to give it YOUR blessing in RETURN…”

Virgo:

“You are BLACK BOLT, KING OF THE INHUMANS!!! And though you rule the most naturally high-spirited people on Earth, their expressive nature is something you yourself can never take part in — because to protect THEM, you must control YOURSELF, with the utmost rigour. Your every move, your slightest gesture, is a marvel of grace, economy, and restrained power: you will never act, until the need to do so becomes overwhelming — until your fine sense of judgement tells you that the crisis point has finally been reached. You will wait motionless as a statue, absorbing and organizing the forces of the universe…and then suddenly you will MOVE, like a flash of LIGHTNING, discharging your energies with ultimate force, to achieve your objective! But, it is not your matchless power that keeps your people safe; rather, it is your matchless PRECISION, that inspires their trust. Heavy lies the head, son of Agon, that wears the crown! However that self-disciplined service preserves something precious: your people’s freedom to be absolutely in their own power, in a Great Refuge free from fear…

Libra:

“You are ALICIA MASTERS, and nobody knows it, but you’ve got a superpower: though blind yourself, you can make others SEE!!! Whatever their origins, whether they’re monsters, space gods, or entirely NEW forms of life, you can show them how to find the balance that they lack, even if they didn’t know they were lacking it! Because you’re pretty brave, lady; pretty good at facing up to reality, even though you’ve had every reason to run away and hide from it. Anybody may be able to see you’re beautiful, and talented, and kind, and empathetic…but not too many suspect the hidden steel that’s in you, the willingness to commit to what’s right even if it costs you what others take for granted. You can’t fly, and you can’t punch down buildings, but you’ve got an X factor in your corner that can change any bad situation for the better: you know how to be HONEST, and you’re always willing to HELP. Now, if we can only find you the right boyfriend…!”

Scorpio:

“You are…SERSI OF THE ETERNALS!!! You’re beautiful — charming — inspiring to watch! To say more would exhaust the adjectives in a thousand languages! But you’re NOT swayed by flattery! You love a good party, but you HATE bad manners. You can be the perfect hostess, yet still delight in skewering pomposity and pretension. But despite your outgoing, extroverted, vivacious and seductive nature, you find yourself strangely drawn to the shy, intellectual sort. That timid, humble scholar may not be the life of the party, but you’ll find a way to draw him out of his shell and show him wonders he’s never imagined. Because as old and experienced a soul as you are, you know that life is for those who are willing to embrace the NEW…well after all, what else is there that’s WORTH embracing?”

Sagittarius:

“You are JOHNNY STORM, THE HUMAN TORCH, and yours is a life of ADVENTURE!!! But, you’re no Peter Pan…you’ve seen your share of tragedy as well as triumph, and sometimes you’ve had to grow up fast. Maybe, faster than you should? Well, but you’ve always been FAST, Johnny — there’s not much that can slow you down! And even less that can HOLD you down: because isn’t it the nature of flame, to rise? Sure, sometimes you may wonder if there isn’t something wrong with you because you can’t seem to SETTLE down, but when you’re lighter-than-air, “down” is a direction you just can’t go in for very long…! And you know better than most, that none of us have any choice but to be who we are — that when we try to deny ourselves we create a life of misery, but when we accept ourselves we become the heroes of our own stories. Heck, sometimes we even end up saving the world! So they call you a hothead, but is there anything wrong with being bright, and quick, and able to ride your own updraft? You’re responsible enough when you’ve got to be; the rest of the time, you’ve earned the right to be a free spirit…so if things are getting a bit gloomy around here, why don’t you cut out and go do something fun, instead? After all, SOMEBODY has to…”

Capricorn:

“You are “TERRIBLE” DAN TURPIN, and you’re NO shrinking VIOLET!!! So long as you’ve got a job to do, you’ll do it, come hell or high water, and you’ll spit in a chief’s eye, or a commissioner’s, or even a God’s along the way if you have to! The universe may be bigger than you can imagine, and the dangers in it may be greater, but that doesn’t absolve a man of his responsibilities — it just presses them on him more firmly. Lights in the sky and super-weirdoes don’t change any of the facts that matter…and so you DON’T see anyone else wearing a derby these days — does that make you a UFO? Of course not! It just means you stick with what works for you. And who here was told they were gonna live forever, anyway? You may be hard on the people around you, but they know you’re harder still on yourself, and so you know you’ve earned their trust…but watch out, Turpin! Practical only is as practical does, and if you get yourself killed for nothing that isn’t practical, that’s trying to be a damn HERO — and that’s what they’ll call you if that’s what you do, and you know what? They’ll be RIGHT…and is that really want you want CARVED on your TOMBSTONE? So remember who you are, if you can, and don’t get sucked into somebody ELSE’S idealism by pursuing your own too doggedly…”

Aquarius:

“You are…BIG BEAR!!! There’s something in the air around you: perhaps it’s an excess of free floating atoms, ready to be sent wherever they’re needed to reinforce your basic integrity…or maybe it’s a cloud of opportunity, rising like steam from the hot stove of your IDEALISTIC nature! But whatever it is that’s always surrounding you, it still makes you bigger than you seem: big in patience, big of heart, and — when you want to be — bigger than life. Sure, because the world and you are great friends, and growing greater each day; so who can really tell where one leaves off, and the other begins? Still, though this life’s got all the right ingredients, it’ll need a bit MORE baking before you’ll be happy with the recipe…because a person can read all the cookbooks in the world, but in the end success still comes down to good old-fashioned TRIAL and ERROR! Fortunately, you’re the sort of person who doesn’t mind trying out new things — well, that’s good for you, because there’s a LOT of them to TRY…!”

Pisces:

“You are…DUBBILEX!!! People are drawn to you, but sometimes they don’t quite know what to make of you. As far as some of them are concerned, you might as well be a Man from Mars. Are your lack of pretension and goodnatured demeanor such PUZZLING qualities…or do people somehow sense hidden spiritual depths below that easygoing surface? Your developing powers are only just beginning to manifest themselves. Who knows what wonders you could yet perform? Your friends will tell you that you’re weird and wonderful by their standards — but what are YOUR standards? How do you measure yourself? What’s EMERGING from that brain of yours? If you do some research into yourself, you may just find out.”

Comments, astrological Bloggers?

Questions?

May I just take this opportunity to point out something about this game that I fear may otherwise go unnoticed?

Ahem:

“You are…THIS WAS SO FUN TO MAKE!!! Who knew, Kirby-Lover, that the KING OF COMICS had wrought so well?!? All that talk of MODERN mythology — well, perhaps we dismissed it as hyperbole and perhaps we DIDN’T — but should it really have taken us this long to give it a “TEST-DRIVE”, and see for ourselves if it worked? We’ve been lazy, I fear: we have RELIED on our “inkers” too much, when maybe it all worked perfectly well already, in pure pencil FORM! Maybe — against all expectations — it really WAS, the thing it SAID it was…!”

Just plain too much fun. Hope you enjoyed it, Bloggers. Do tell us what you thought of it.

Oh, and you email people who’ve (hopefully) stuck around…

What Kirby character would you have liked to see here, that we missed?

You can just say who it is, and what sign it should’ve been, and why…or if you like you can write a big blurb for it (which is fun to do), but if you don’t want to do that it’s okay too: it won’t be counted against you, I’m just looking at the matter not the (questionable, I suppose) art.

Winner gets to suggest the next Game!

Okay?

21 responses to “The Kirby Zodiac REVEALED!

  1. Glad it worked for you, Kevin…I think Big Bear doesn’t fit too badly with your online persona at all — one could do a mighty fine tweaked reading off of that!

    And now I must start thinking about taking the bus across town. Thanksgiving with no car — it’s hard to communicate to people that it really does take longer to get from A to B: it’s the Fahrenheit rule, you’ve got to take your initial estimate, and then double it and add thirty…

  2. Sea! So glad you liked it…but you know, as an email-result person you may push a Kirby character like Nick Fury…!

    Ah, but silly me. You are saying you’re satisfied enough with ol’ Dan.

    I will steal your vote: I wish I’d included Texas Jack Muldoon as Aries. Of course this would have meant leaving out Kamandi, so it couldn’t have happened.

    Maybe I could include Nick Fury in the Marvel Tarot?

    Calling P-Tor…

  3. I had had some hopes for Orion, just b/c. I mean, I discovered the New Gods in the aftermath of a nasty breakup, and those characters mean a lot to me.

    However, they were pretty self-consciously “symbolic”, and I can well understand wanting to start with characters who were presented with much greater specificity, with details that can be then abstracted from, rather than starting with intially sorta empty vessels who must then be invested with content. But Johnny Storm’s not bad, particularly since I just read the “he and Sue actually had a dad…oh, now he’s dead” story, which gives the guy more gravitas in two issues than in the rest of the FF I’ve read combined.

    The interesting thing here, as I think about it, is how much better the Fourth World villains were than the heroes. I mean, this isn’t news: each of those series sorta meanders and bores until Darkseid shows up, but Darkseid and his entire court are fascinating (vital, real) in a way that, say, Lightray (as a Johnny Storm simulacrum) could never be.

  4. Darkseid focusses.

    We didn’t choose the major Kirby characters, Chris, because 1) they would’ve fit into too many slots too easily, and 2) because that was probably on purpose, that they wouldn’t’ve. As RAB pointed out (somewhere around here), the point of the New Gods was that they were Gods of things we hadn’t been able to specify yet…as soon as we figured what the storm was, its causes and effects, we didn’t need Thor anymore. As soon as we figured out what war consisted of, we didn’t need Ares or Tyr. The New Gods were all about things in our lives we hadn’t figured out yet.

    But, it’s not just the New Gods.

    Consider how multivalent a symbol Ben Grimm is! Or Iron Man. Or Captain America. Strange to say Cap could be a multivalent symbol, but he is –because as postwar America changes, so must he. No, these characters don’t stand for something in isolation, they stand for something that is moving, that is interactive with its environment…and so we couldn’t use them as zodiacal types, we had to pick smaller characters. I was lucky to squeeze in Johnny Storm, actually…

    But I LOVE the “Johnny = Lightray” equation! Never thought of that before! And I’m glad you’ve seen Johnny-as-raw-nerve…I wanted to do him better justice in the Sagittarius entry, actually, but the words I have about Johnny Storm are a lot bigger than a horoscope…

  5. So, so far out of unused Kirby characters, we’ve got Nick Fury and Orion.

    By the way, can anyone tell I’ve been drinking? Canadian Thanksgiving Dinner tonight, a Feast day…

    We talked a lot about American politics. Net result: we don’t think you’re idiots, so we’re going to continue to patronize financial institutions instead of banking with the companies known as Mason Jar, Mattress Pad, and Hole In Ground.

  6. I’m ashamed to admit that I had no idea who White Zero was. I guess I missed that issue of 2001 back in the day.

    I’m fine with Dubbilex … especially since I half expected Triton to show up instead. (I should have credited you guys with more imagination … )

    Given Pices’ tendencies to daydream, however, I wonder if Beautiful Dreamer ever popped up in your considerations …

    Brilliant stuff as always. Thanks!!!

  7. You could have put the Hulk in Devil Dinosaur’s place if you went with the A listers, but DD’s a more creative choice. I have no idea who White Zero is, but it seems like Mr. Fantastic could take his place. In fact (written in my best pseudo-Kirby):

    Cancer

    You are MR. FANTASTIC!!! You set on a path of your own choosing, where you tread until it’s unseeable END!! Ever striving to KNOW, you can not, will not stop until you have SUCCESS! You are nowhere, however, without your COMPANIONS. They keep you GROUNDED when you threaten to LOSE YOURSELF in your QUEST! In return, you will STAND BY THEM, ready to LAY DOWN YOUR VERY LIFE for theirs!! Your life is divided between your close-knit FAMILY, and seeking ADVENTURE to saisfy your considerable INTELLECT!!!

  8. Mr. Fantastic for Cancer? Interesting…I would’ve suggested Gemini (I like to claim all the cool characters for Gemini), but I think Cancer actually fits quite well!

    Over at Sea Of Green’s place, someone said Dum-Dum Dugan…man, I’m kicking myself now, I could’ve just done Kirby second-bananas who wear hats…Texas Jack for Aries, Dum-Dum for Taurus…

    And Keeper, I did think of Beautiful Dreamer, but unfortunately didn’t think of Triton…what a ridiculous oversight! Good point!

    And we didn’t even make it to the Hulk for Taurus: RAB just produced Devil Dinosaur out of thin air. That’s a good one too, though…and, there was that Eric Powell Hulk/Devil Dinosaur comic a while ago too, wasn’t there…?

  9. Well, I’m not too tuned in on matters zodiacal, but I can’t resist a shot.

    Gemini

    You are SCRAPPER TROOPER — and you’ve got a job to do! Together with hundreds of your fellow micro marines, you defend the DNA Project — where man dares the most perilous frontier — his own nature! Some people worry how you go straight from the birth bath to boot camp. They fret over your autonomy, your identity! Doesn’t bother you a bit. For one thing, you’ve gone into combat alongside your own alter ego — and the kid is straight up. Sees through the phonies, never walks back from a scrap. If that’s how they make ‘em in Brooklyn, then Brooklyn’s worth fighting for, that’s how you see it. Anyway, nobody asks to get born, and nobody lives forever! But you’ll never have to go in alone — and you’ll spend every minute standing for what’s right! Hey, soldier, does it get any better?

  10. Yeah, I wanted the top marquee names kept well out of this. Some of those lesser-known types are actually the most evocative ones! My ideal would have been to restrict the characters to only those Kirby created solo and use none of the Lee-Kirby collaborations…but then we would have lost such potent figures as Odin or Black Bolt.

    White Zero stars in one of Kirby’s most evocative and meaningful stories and it’s really worth a look if you can find it. A lot of hidden depth there.

    P.S.: Bloody hell, Jonathan and Mike! Well done!

  11. I’m sad to say that I’ve never read Kirby’s 2001 stories, and am therefore aware of White Zero only through the comics Internet.

    Comics Internet — I thank you!!

    I’ll get around to buying those issues sometime, of course… probably when I actually see them in front of me, so…

    Hmmm, what? Yes, I’m Cancer, and… I’ve never been much of a one for the whole zodiac thing, but this bit–

    “…the dream is a hundred times more meaningful to you than reality is, and yet you would sacrifice everything you are to have it be THE OTHER WAY AROUND…you seek out disappointment like others seek out satisfaction, gambling dream and reality both in the hopes of winning something that is BETTER THAN EITHER…”

    –is so me it’s not even funny. Well, it’s a little funny. Maybe.

    Plok, RAB — great work here. Ditto to those who’ve created their own entires in the comments.

    What Kirby character would I have liked to see used here? Damn! THIS REQUIRES DEEP THOUGHT!

    Message ends.

  12. I think it’s probably so all of us it’s not even funny, David.

    At least that’s what I said to the guy in the mirror when he was dictating it to me…

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  15. That Turpin dialogue verges on Duplex Planet territory. “If coffee wasn’t so hot, would you swim in it?”

    I myself am already well into that territory, of course…

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