I admit it, it’s all to give Andrew a diversion from his work…
So a little while ago, the always-brilliant Jonathan Burns suggested to me that a person who would make a GREAT Doctor who wasn’t from Great Britain would be John Clarke, the New Zealander making a living in Australia, master of the sidelong comment. I had no choice but to agree completely with this, as it may be among the top ten greatest ideas I’ve ever heard: John Clarke, the Doctor.
Dalek: “WE…WILL…ACTIVATE …THE…MACHINE! YOU…CANNOT…STOP…IT!”
John Clarke: (grins inappropriately) “I wouldn’t do that, if I were you.”
Dalek: “WHAT…DO…YOU…MEAN? EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN! YOU…WILL…EXPLAIN!”
John Clarke: “Oh, well…I just mean it’s probably a terrific idea? You should probably go ahead and do it. Regardless of the…well, you know…consequences…”
Dalek: “THERE…WILL…BE…NO…CONSEQUENCES! ALL…HAS BEEN…ACCOUNTED FOR!”
John Clarke: “I completely agree, of course. But I’m just a little bit worried about your misgivings?”
John Clarke: “You see, that’s what I’ve been telling them. They keep asking me, is the fellow in Weapons Engineering…I’m sorry, I’ve actually forgotten your name?”
John Clarke: “Yes, so ‘Da-Lek, is he a sound man in your opinion, has he been infected’, that’s the sort of thing they’ve been asking me…”
John Clarke: “Yes, that’s what I told them too. I mean how can he have been infected, isn’t the Compassion Plague restricted to the upper echelons? You Big Daleks with all the power, you can’t just lay it off on the little guy, can you? If there’s a fault in the Machine’s design, it certainly couldn’t result in the engineer being called for an order to…oh, what do you all call it, it’s on the tip of my tongue…”
John Clarke: “Yes, that’s it, anyway I don’t see that the uninfected Daleks (by the way, don’t worry, they’re getting rid of the infected ones right now, but you didn’t hear it from me) could possibly blame the Machine’s faultiness on you? After all you’re just the mechanic…”
Dalek: “AN…ENGINEER…IS NOT…THE SAME THING…AS A MECHANIC!”
John Clarke: “Oh, of course! And I’m sure they see it that way too. So there’s no way they’d hold you responsible, is there?”
John Clarke: (winks) “Exactly, my friend. EXACTLY. Well, anyway, since there’s only ten seconds to the failsafe point I guess I’ll leave you to it…”
John Clarke: “Who, me?”
John Clarke: “Well, all right. If you insist.”
John Clarke: “Gosh, I’m not sure I know how. Is it this button?”
John Clarke: “Sorry…silly me…”
Anyway, there’s a somewhat slapped-together example of a Kiwi being a great Doctor. Er…
Lots of planets have a Southern Hemisphere?
But what I wanted to ask you all today, is…
What about a FRENCH Doctor?
“Mademoiselle Sarah, tu sais that yu-mans cadnot go to zee Gallifrey…le Roi, il faut etait en colere quand personne visite… “
[apologies to all French-speakers, I am forgetting all of it, it’s horrible…I am aghast and need to visit the good ol’ Francophonie again]
Or a NIGERIAN Doctor?
“I have not the right, to disrupt your future, my present. I know nothing of it but what is in my own life, and in my own life I still see a way to fight.”
Or a RUSSIAN Doctor?
“What does that switch do? That switch, my dear Jo, blows up the TARDIS and destroys all space and time in the process. We do not press that switch, dear Jo. In time, you’ll understand the need for this.”
Anyway, the idea is…
You know, if you thought of a Belgian Doctor, he wouldn’t have to be Poirot? Although…
No, suppose you thought of an Indian Doctor, a Punjabi Doctor? How about a Thai Doctor, or an Egyptian Doctor? An Israeli Doctor, even.
A Swiss Doctor?
Go on, give me a pitch, Bloggers. Pretend it’s Christopher Eccleston in 2005, only instead of Christopher Eccleston in 2005, it’s…
Shit, I may do that “Mexican Doctor” one myself, if no one beats me to it…