Here’s the thing;  I was all set to write a post called “Why I’m Voting Green”.  Good news for Mr. Harper I guess:  that’d be one Liberal vote lost, from a person who hates his guts.

But his relentless bullshit hammering-on about “The Coalition”…I mean, I already know he thinks Canadians are fucking stupid sheep, but this thing’s just such a bald-faced lie, it is so stupid and anti-democratic, it is so very contemptuous of the electorate’s intelligence, that I am tempted to vote against my better instincts and give Michael Ignatieff my vote even though Elizabeth May has earned it and he has not, just to spit in the Rt. Hon. Tommy Shanks’ face.  What monumental arrogance expresses itself in Mr. Harper’s each and every utterance!  What absolutely disgraceful Fox-News-style spin he thinks Canadians will put up with!  I feel like something threw up in my brain.  I thought he had gone as low as he could go, but he’s broken through the bottom of the barrel and adventured on into the infinitely empty drop beneath it, quantum depths of shittiness awaiting his return to the domain that spawned him.  This is soiling our electoral process, this is the most cynical thing I’ve ever seen with my own eyes in Canadian politics, I suspect the most cynical thing ever seen in Canadian politics.  The Conservative government…sorry, the Harper Conservative government…was not found to be in contempt of Parliament for no reason, and this is far past having lost the House’s confidence.  This is being a party that would do anything to “win the game”.  Civility and respect are out the window here, and I’m not talking about the bulldoggery of a Joe Clark or the parochial smirk of a Preston Manning here.  Why, how moderate and temperate Preston looks now!  I’d vote for him, at this point.  Things have really gotten that bad.  How statesmanlike and not-at-all-about-to-suffer-an-aneurysm the young Joe looks now!

How humble, and barely schemingly elitist at all, does freakin’ TRUDEAU look now, by this comparison!


Gilles Duceppe looks like Stephane Dion next to Mr. Harper, and I’m not joking.  This is the most unethical shit I’ve ever seen.  It’s the most un-Canadian thing I’ve ever seen, even in the very heartland of Quebec nationalism.  So this was going to be a very easy vote for me, there was going to be nothing Mr. Ignatieff could say or do that would peel me away from Elizabeth May, who doesn’t lie and doesn’t spin and doesn’t read off cue-cards.  But Harper, that slimy motherfucker.

He just might make me vote against my heart.

It’s one thing to be an ideologue.  But it’s quite another to be a vandal.  Throwing rocks through the stained-glass window.  He’s the worst Prime Minister we’ve ever had, but he’s an even more toxic campaigner.

For anyone who cares, I’ll be updating my inclinations as the election draws nearer.  This is stupid;  the Liberals already lost my vote.

Now Stephen Harper is trying to make me vote for them.

But isn’t that their job?

This mammoth-in-ice Parliament has gotten so goddamn incestuous.  Rex is right:  whenever Harper goes up in the polls, that’s a sign to Canadians that it’s time to start liking Ignatieff more.  If Ignatieff goes up, it’s a sign to start preferring Harper.  No one wants this Parliament.  Now Harper is doing things to keep disaffected Liberals voting with the centre-right.  Ignatieff, by the sheer power of his uncharisma (and who in the hell loses a contest of charisma with fucking Stephen Harper anyway?  Man looks like he stepped out of a lesbian theatre collective’s botched reimagining of Hamlet) (my brilliant gay sisters will forgive me that easy joke, I hope — in my defence, it was Jon Stewart who made it first, not me ), Ignatieff is driving conservative voters who are quite fucked-off with “The Harper Conservatives” back to fucking Harper, and what a world, what a world.  This Parliament is dead in more ways than one.  Yin and yang are blowing one another.  I was looking forward to casting a vote that wasn’t a protest vote.

But it seems neither yin nor yang is happy with that.

So I’m feeling very conflicted.

And so you know what I’m going to do?

I’m going to phone up Elizabeth May, and ask her to help me put it all in some kind of perspective.  She’s the only one left, who is interested in putting things in perspective.

And Jesus Christ, but we need that sort of thing around here these days.

The Green Party used to be a bunch of single-issue radicals who I couldn’t work with, who I couldn’t talk to, who just fought meaninglessly amongst themselves like people in a shared house with exposed wiring who were all doing a bit too much hotknifing for anyone’s comfort:  a very Ballardian political party, like High Rise.  But they’re not like that now.

How repulsive it is, that the Conservatives and Liberals have gotten more like that, as the Green Party’s gotten less like it.

I feel like this is my Invisibles initiation.  God damn it, but it’s time to ask new questions in this stagnant moment, and not get the same old answers!

But I still don’t know what I’m going to do.

Because I don’t know how to hurt Harper the most.


  1. You’ll enjoy this video then:

    Man, he looks uncomfortable, and sounds a little like he’s reverting to his childhood, right there at the podium, when nobody really liked him. Maybe he was bullied a little bit? Do you get that sense?

    Harper is the Newton of Canadian politics, in my opinion…and you know how I feel about Newton! An overrated, Machiavellian bully whose big ideas are cobbled together by ripping other people off, and whose public persona is a complete fabrication. A nasty, nasty person who noone should look up to.

  2. This is the worst April Fool’s post I’ve ever read. I mean, where’s the punchline?

    Have you read MightyGodKing’s summary of what this election’s all about? I thought it was excellent.

    One thing it makes me worry about is, let’s say that we all get fed up with the Conservatives and hoof them out of office. Who’s the next Conservative leader?

    Will it be someone we like better than Harper?

    Seems doubtful.

    So maybe the thing to do is not stuff the ballot box for the Liberals, but to just vote our conscience like we’d rather do anyway, for the Greens or the NDPs or an independent or someone, and probably the Tories would get another minority government, and then we can hope that the Liberals replace Ignatieff with someone more plausible.

  3. I saw your fake reply, and was… shall we say, taken aback by your fire?

    We were just having different conversations, I guess; I am constitutionally incapable of maintaining real anger longer than a few seconds, so I no longer bother to try. Which in this case I’m okay with; no matter how ticked off I am at the Conservatives (and I keep finding reasons to vote against them) my vote is still not going to count for any more than if I didn’t care at all. But that’s not the whole story, of course; there’s also what else I might be moved to do, to influence other people, if I really get myself riled up. But, again, if I do that, it’s something I’ll do (more or less) calmly and not angrily.

    But if you stay mad longer, then you know how to use that better than I do, and you should do that, and if one of the results of it is exclamation points on the internet, then that’s okay.

    Some of the Conservatives’ arguments are… rather too easily dismissed for my taste. They should find better ones, if they can. “Coalitions are bad!” No, they’re not. “This isn’t the time for an election!” Maybe not, but what makes any other time better? And so on.

  4. It’s a little bit like people complaining about how expensive it is to have a civil or a criminal trial…well, really that is money we are happy to pay, though! Justice systems are non-negotiable. Much like elections, it is far better to pay top dollar for them than to have them work less well.

    I am mad, but I don’t really like doing the huge exclamation-point public spasming. It comes on me sometimes, but it gives me the willies afterwards, to have done it…I’d rather be calm and rational, like you! And I really do enjoy reading Chris Bird’s political posts, but the air of handicapping in general is getting to me a little bit these days: the voting heuristics, the polling, the spin, the punditry, the whole spectator-sport nature of the exercise spells such detachment to me that it makes me worry about people losing the plot. I think we’re in an unprecedented situation right now for not losing the plot, with two fabulously uncharismatic leaders determined to convince us all that it’s 100% about a race to the bottom…

    …And, that being said, I suppose I have to lean on my Wikileaks post’s thesis a little bit: apathy has the potential to do good things for us, here. Who can get fired up about Harper or Ignatieff? If either wasn’t there, the other would lose half his support overnight…or, I guess to be fair, if some other ex-Reformer than Harper was in charge of the Big Blue machine, possibly with the exception of Flaherty, Ignatieff’s support would probably double…and if Ignatieff wasn’t there, probably anybody else on the Liberal bench would make reasonably short work of Harper. But these guys are Kang and Kodos, so I’ve got to figure there’s no better time to encourage conscience-based voting, and not make it all about tactics. We’re still going to be looking at a minority government, I think (just as Chris predicts), but if we could carve just ONE GREEN SEAT out of the Liberal bulk that would still be progress, of a kind. And if we could get three, it’d be progress period.

    But still…Harper is making a very good argument for me to vote Liberal these days, just as though it was something he was actually trying to do, and I find this quite worrisome. There’s some kind of devil’s bargain in this, or something.

    There, a much more thoughtful and moderate reply from me! Phew, glad that’s fixed!

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