“Damn It Spock, You’re Half-MEME…!”

Ah.

Um.

Well, hi, Bloggers.

Er…

OkayI’llconfessitIhadsomeproblemswiththenewStarTrekmovie,itannoyedmeinmanywaysandIhavesomecriticisms…!

…But that’s not important right now.

What’s important is, I have a present to give away.  And it’s a holiday season.  And after thinking it over for a few minutes, I realized I was being grossly unfair to my good friend Matthew in making a great fuss over memes I might do, questions I might ask…

And so I decided on this question (even though it is not the question), and I think it’s a good one.

How would you change that new Star Trek Movie?

I mean everyone says they liked it.

As I believe I said:  I have mixed feelings about it.

So, how would you change it?

What would you do?

Seriously:  if it were you?

What?

Maybe I should offer one or two guidelines:  Zachary Quinto is always going to be Young Spock, and Chris Pine is always going to be Young Kirk, and there is always going to be the scene in the turbolift (we can’t get rid of that!)…and the actors who replace the familiar Enterprise bridge crew must be there (although PLEASE can we get past the whole “Russians don’t belong” thing PLEASE…what VULCANS belong but Russians DON’T?  Christ I’m not even 100% sure Ens. Chekhov IS Russian…honestly I feel in 2009 this is racist…)

…And for myself I don’t need any “alternate timelines”, I’d be happy with a HARD REBOOT, you know?  And honestly I’ve had enough of Romulans unless you can make them fit and be cool.

Honestly…like the T-shirt says…it’s the only logical thing to do.

Peace and long life, Bloggers.

…But everything else is up for grabs.  Simply don’t care about the established history of the Federation…well isn’t that kind of the point anyway?  Just give me Kirk and Spock and McCoy…and Sulu and Chekhov and Yeoman Rand and Lt. Riley and Nurse Chapel.

18 responses to ““Damn It Spock, You’re Half-MEME…!”

  1. I actually liked the new Trek quite a bit, so I have only a couple of changes:

    1. That’s not the Enterprise being built in the Iowa shipyard — it’s the Yorktown or Lexington or one of the others. That way, Pike, Number One, Spock, et al., can still have “Cage”-era adventures aboard NCC-1701.

    2. Cadets take the Kobayashi Maru test after they’ve completed at least one year in space aboard a starship. Along the way, most pick up at least one promotion. Some, like Lieutenant Saavik and our Mr. Kirk, advance even quicker. Thus, by the time Spock confronts Kirk before Adm. Tyler Perry, the latter is already a Lieutenant and has had his own adventures aboard Farragut and Republic.

    You know, this may make me dust off the “how I’d fix Star Trek Generations” draft….

  2. Dust it off, Tom!

    There’s going to be a winner of this contest, this is NOT the Kobayashi Maru test, this is the OPPOSITE of the Kobayashi Maru test…!

    Me, I wanted to see Kirk being an arrogant little prick in Starfleet Academy a lot more. Uhura getting more and more pissed off with him — every roommate she gets, he sleeps with. Maybe she’s got a big, bluff boyfriend. Maybe Kirk’s roommate is McCoy, a man ten years older than him, and he resents it. You know…

    …FUN!

    But people wanted to see the Enterprise. Well I tellya, we coulda…

    …Grrr…

    Bigger rant coming soon, but yeah: just in the dorms, Kirk’s got this OLD GUY as his roommate…

  3. I enjoyed the shit out of that movie. Granted, I’m the ideal audience — not much of a Trek fan, but amenable to Blockbuster Mayhem and heresy, and a fan of good, exciting movies. It also passed a key test: my wife, who cares zero for Trek and knows it only a little bit, liked it. So I call it a big fat success.

    That said, given the chance to rework it myself…

    1. Ditch the time travel angle. While it worked out well and calmed the fanboys to some degree, it was unnecessarily complex in all the wrong ways. It opens cans of worms that I feel are best left sealed. Hard reboot the damn thing.

    2. Romulans as an initial villain was a good choice. But make it the Romulan Empire, not some time-displaced miner. Give the story a little more scope.

    3. Do not make the climax “race to save the Earth.” Overplayed.

    4. Kirk going from renegade cadet to captain of the Enterprise so quickly was hard to swallow. Imagine if the US Navy gets into a big nasty fracas, with a large chunk of the Second Fleet sunk. The flagship of the fleet is saved, and a war is averted or won, in large part through the courage of a brand-new cadet on the flagship on his first cruise. Would the USN then hand the cadet command of the friggin’ ship upon its return to port? That’d be a no. Granted, the Starfleet situation is different, but still. I’d do a time-jump, so that we’ll see Kirk graduate the academy, then hop to five years later, where he’s rocketed up the ranks to, say, lieutenant commander. Not only will that make the final promotion less “what the hell,” it could allow for plot and character complications, since there’ll be a five year span to play with (quickly). The movie still ends with a very young Kirk taking command of the Enterprise in recognition for his awesomeness, but it won’t be quite so bizarre.

    5. Cut down on the anachronisms. Young Kirk stealing a convertible and blasting the Beastie Boys? Centuries in the future? Oy. I can see why Abrams did it, but I’d take a hack at improving that scene. It pulled me out of the story a bit.

    6. Clean up the SFX scenes a bit. Some of the space battles were just too goddamn jumbled to parse.

    7. The sense of humor in the movie was very welcome. I’d add a bit of wit to the script beyond the obvious jokey-jokes. Kirk should be a witty guy, I think. Abrams’s best decision was that the movie had to be fast-paced and have a light heart. Trek tends towards the slow and ponderous. Screw that. Pretensions are not welcome in my Trek!

  4. I just wanted to say…that car’s an antique? Oh, hold up, you’re damn right it is, it’s over TWO HUNDRED YEARS OLD!

    So…

    Where’d the gas to drive it come from? Was that an antique too?

    I can’t explain how much this bugs me. Like Harvey, I understand why it was done. OH BOY do I understand why it was done. But here is the thing:

    IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE.

    And you can say I’m being an old codger, but it STILL doesn’t make any fucking sense. The car. Is an antique.

    Well is it or isn’t it?

    The gas. Is an antique.

    Well is it or isn’t it?

    I’m not being a big fannish idiot, here. I’m just asking: am I supposed to come up with my own fanwank for this, or not?

    I think the answer is: no, I’m not.

    But, you see…I just wanted to ask the question.

    Holy shit, *you* try fanwanking the old Corvette or whatever the hell it is. Hey, just TRY it! Just for fun.

    And here begins my story.

  5. There’s a similar car in LSHv5 (v5 being the threeboot) #3. Ultra Boy takes Triplicate Girl on a date in his antique-and-technically-illegal sports car. I think Ultra Boy is actually a lot like Kirk in many ways.

  6. Can only do one excellent thing at a time?

    Just to be clear, I liked the movie too. I was particularly impressed with Zachary Quinto’s Spock — high praise, considering how much I liked Chris Pine’s Kirk…and how much Mr. Quinto’s Spock kind of makes me think “yes, logic, rather good for dealing with a grandparents’ death when you’re eight, not very much good for anything else, eh?” fits with the Vulcan philosophy…now I’m aware thst may sound a bit cold, let me remind you I liked this movie and especially Zachary Quinto’s performance, and I know mr. spock is half-human but…

    Still. Logic. Not good for much, is it? Good just so far, it seems. Good up until

    But. I could easily accept the threeboot Ultrs Boy driving a — what? — a thousand-year-old car? — bearing in mind it is the threeboot Ultra Boy we’re talking about, and this is I think the point — if it had been the original Ultra Boy he might’ve driven it, but it wouldn’t’ve mattered, and anyway why would he have? Why?

    Why?

    But I can accept it, just as yes, I can forget about that antique car Kirk drives, if I am asked to, and plainly I am being asked to. It still doesn’t make it make sense, you know?

    So the question becomes: to what degree must it make any sense at all?

    As I mentioned, that it’s the threeboot Ultra Boy driving the thousand-year-old car…it isn’t very clever, in fact it seems like a temendous failure of imagination, but it at least has the merit of being thematic.

    Can we say the same of that whole Rebel-Without-A-Kirk sequence?

    Does it serve a purpose?

    Yeah, it does: it exists primarily to give the audience something they can relate to — something they’ve seen before, an emotion they understand dressed in clothes they recognize. Hell, I’m surprised Kirk’s stepdad wasn’t Toby Keith. It frames the future conflict as the present-day conflict, as it absolutely must: but, we’ve got a whole lot of conflicts in the present day, so why this one.

    And: what is this one? Let’s put a name to it.

    I nominate Buck Rogers.

  7. At the risk of going off on a tangent, I want to say a “Voyager” episode (yes, I know) had our pal Tom Paris getting a 1930s pickup truck running after it had been floating in space for 400 years. I’m sure a trip to the Memory Alpha site would supply all your fanwank needs … should you have them, of course. :-)

  8. Hire Neveldine/Taylor to do a movie where Kirk sexes things and then stuff blows up REALLY REALLY FAST. Jumbled? Really? This movie was in slow motion compared to the Michael Bay framefucking, James Cameron eyewelding and Neveldine/Taylor visual noise.

  9. I have kind of gone on about this already, but I will summarize/elaborate here:

    First off, I don’t want Chekhov to have his comedy Russian accent.

    Second of all I want, on the bridge, a character who registers as Muslim or Palestinian and a character who registers as Jewish or Israeli, working side by side, and I want NOBODY TO MENTION IT IN THE MOVIE. Not even a throwaway line, it’s not even an issue to anybody, because Star Trek is all about how the future is a better place to live. I realize, of course, that this is a COMPLETELY OBVIOUS thing to do, but that’s what Star Trek is for – the sci-fi veneer gives you license to state really obvious things and have them be entertaining and novel.

    Similarly, I want some kind of morality play with modern-day relevance driving the plot. Even at the expense of the characters! I know nobody wants to hear this, but I never thought Star Trek was about character development; they’re already *developed*, the point is having distinct personalities react to the same problem in different ways, and then Kirk has to make some sort of balanced judgement. The Nero thing didn’t really *mean* anything, did it?

    Oh, and no time travel or Old Spock. I am making a movie here, and I do not have time for this business. A total Star Trek continuity buff could probably poke holes in the way the semi-reboot was done anyway.

  10. Oh, and I almost think that Doctor Who/Torchwood’s Captain Jack is what a 21st century Captain Kirk ought to be like. Why stop at green *women*?

    Basically, I thought it was a really fun movie, but if I had to update Star Trek as a franchise, I would probably update the spirit of the old show and not so much the details, because the details don’t seem all that relevant for me (speaking as a pretty casual fan).

  11. I’m just gonna save myself a lot of trouble here and second nearly everything Justin said. I had zero interest in this movie but I’d happily wait on line to see his.

  12. (doing this without looking at other comments)

    Dear Plok, I didn’t like it. I hated it. It bored me to tears. It proved to me that IMAX doesn’t make blockbusters any better than they are. Change one thing? Why I’d change the budget to the size of that of, say, Juno.

  13. Pingback: Quick Linkblogging For 05/01/10 « Sci-Ence! Justice Leak!·

  14. (having read the other comments)

    I too like the cut of Justin’s suit. For him I would allow a budget the size of Southland Tales, maybe even as much as District 9.

  15. Pingback: How I’d Fix Generations « Comics Ate My Brain·

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