A Genius That Only The Stupid Can Have

Hey folks: think I found the best one.

“Well if this happens and is successful, then this Kirby guy can go suck on an egg for pulling this money grubbing bitch move. Personally, maybe its time for Marvel and DC to create new heros and throw the problem ones away for good with the suing families. Its time for change.”

Strangely, I couldn’t agree more — kind of — with the latter sentiment. By all means, let’s have Marvel and DC throw the problem heroes away with the suing families, and create new ones to replace them. LET’S SEE THAT. Oh my God, I’d buy those comics. What do you suppose they’d be like? “Successful Business-Man and his sidekick Loving Father, in final combat with the evil Starbuck Nosering and her Unsuitable Boyfriends!” I rather think her power may be to make Bad Decisions, don’t you? My God, it’s be like “B-12” all over again (and I still solemnly promise you, that episode’s worth seeing…the most bizarrely satisfying hour of bad TV I have ever endured), just raw, raw, bloody-handed thoughtless self-exposure, pure mortification with red-white-and-blue diapers on it, mess splattered all over the bed for everyone to see. IT WOULD BE WORTH A FORTUNE IN A WEEK, if you could hide it from the helicopters that long. I mean, I think I know a little something about embarrassment; but I’ve never until this day imagined embarrassment at quite that earth-shattering, dare I say cosmic, level. Rarer than anti-hydrogen, more cancerous than plutonium…like a huge unknown galaxy, slowly and majestically spinning in the endless night, made entirely from cat-shit.

Do you ever yearn, nameless message-board commenter?

I never did.

But then — I confess it! — I saw the light.

The light at the end of comics.


5 responses to “A Genius That Only The Stupid Can Have

  1. Actually my favorite comment was that comic book companies already treat their creators fairly. For instance, Bob Kane is always credited as the creator of Batman.

    I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

    As for new characters, great idea. How about a vampiric mutant who battles the darkness in his own soul against a physically imposing demi-god who spends his time musing over the nature of evil?

  2. What’s that saying again…I laugh because I dare not toss my cookies.

    But it’s not just the unequivocally stupid who say things like this. In the wake of those comments from Alan Moore about the whole of Blackest Night drawing on a couple of his Tales of the Green Lantern Corps from two decades ago, at least a couple of folks whose writing I admire opined that while the specific complaint by Moore might be unfair there was a germ of truth to it…and why wasn’t anyone coming up with new and original superhero concepts anymore? Had people just gotten lazy, finding it easier to root through and recycle the leavings of others?

    Well, gee, I dunno…maybe the folks with new and original ideas have noticed how the major publishers totally shafted all their predecessors and are keeping their creations out of those grubby corporate fingers? Or maybe Marvel and DC have encouraged this tendency because they’re naturally more motivated to enhance the value of properties they own outright, rather than get behind something new on which they’d be required to split any profits evenly with the creator? Or maybe it’s that, given the choice between something really new and another team book starring Wolverine, everyone knows where the audience will go?

    (I could probably toss in something there about new writers and artists full of ideas getting to Marvel or DC and suddenly turning into starstruck fanboys and girls dying to work on their most favorite characters instead…but that would hit too close to home, he said while hiding his unread Inferior Five pitch behind his back.)

  3. The Inferior Five are already vampiric mutants. You didn’t know that? It’s right there in the original stories; you just have to read between the lines.

    RAB has given a good explanation of why there don’t tend to be many good new characters. However. I too would like to see some good new characters. Not that I’m sick of the old ones! Oh well.

  4. Vampiric mutants are SO last decade. This decade has been all about the zombies and reanimated corpses, and they’ve already peaked and are on their way out. Next up: nonhuman Nazis (gorillas, aliens, et al) as yet another way of returning once again to the only universally enjoyed war in comics. I’m calling it now…

    My Inferior Five pitch hardly matters, because there’s no market for it. The only way DC would go for a revival is if it started with Dumb Bunny being murdered and dismembered and her remains left for the rest of the team to discover, causing them all to declare “we’re not kidding anymore” through gritted eyes and clenched nostrils. Their fallen teammate would be replaced by a new female character called Dentata — after being sexually molested in childhood, she gets new unbreakable steel teeth enabling her to literally take a bite out of crime. This new character would be hyped as much more female empowering and less sexist than Dumb Bunny…and only a few online soreheads would notice Dentata is a far more pernicious misogynist stereotype who exists to give troubled male writers a vehicle for their rage against scary women. Now, if I pitched this, I bet it would sell.

    And here I’ve hoisted myself on my own petard, because there’s NOTHING more last decade than a satirical rant about how dark today’s comics are, not like the wonderful innocent comics from when I was six years old…please shoot me now, because I’ve become that guy!

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