Hey, attention, all you people who saw Watchmen and liked it! Can I please have your attention for a minute? Thanks.
I haven’t seen it yet. But you are already ruining it for me. And you know why?
Because you are lowering my expectations of it.
“Eh, I enjoyed it, it was fun as a movie and that’s all I care about…what they changed didn’t really make a difference, some of the stuff they kept ended up being just so-so, but overall it’s hard to complain…”
Jesus Christ, are you KIDDING me? So, if I’m reading you correctly, this movie was a lot better than expected because it made the source material seem like, eh, not such a big deal after all, in fact now that I think about it it’s nothing to get that excited about, IS THAT THE MESSAGE I’M RECEIVING FROM YOU?!?
Holy shit…but I mean that’s awful, isn’t it? I mean, I read this comic pretty much when it came out, and it is still doing my head in, you know? I am still freaking out over reading “Watchmaker”, I feel like I’ve been gobbling mushrooms for twenty-three years, as far as I know I’m still reading it…
So are you really telling me that when I go see this thing, it’s just going to be like getting into a tepid bubble bath where the bubbles have mostly melted down into rings of foam on the surface of the water? Is that what you call a favourable review?
Or even, an unfavourable one?
Truly, the mind reels.
Somewhere around here recently, somebody posted a list of some magazine-or-other’s list of comics to make into movies post-Watchmen…I think it was the AV Club actually…and imagine my shock (especially considering it’s the AV Club) when I saw “Like A Velvet Glove Cast In Iron” on it, eh?
(Warning: if you can’t imagine my shock, you will not understand why I am wasting my time writing this…)
So I don’t know, is there any point to seeing this Watchmen movie? A couple of days ago I was all het up for it, sort of. But as of this writing the best review of it I’ve seen is one that reads like a Grade Five book report, and says it was okay although the slo-mo was kind of annoying. But for Christ’s sake you could say that about any movie these days…!
And so it is almost like taking a bubble bath in ennui. I feel like I’m watching these reviews on a late night movie show, on a crap TV, in a cheap motel room, at 4 a.m. ’cause I’m too bored to go to sleep. “Ride, Captain, Ride…!” I mean really. Could someone at least reassure me that it’s better — or that it’s worse — than your average episode of Magnum, P.I.? Earth: Final Conflict? Holmes And Yo-Yo? Law & Order: Criminal Intent? Just throw me a bone here, people. Will I like it more than Scrubs?
Is it good-or-bad? Seriously, I can’t tell. Does it — I don’t know — taste like chicken? Was it all worth it, in the end?
If somebody would explain that to me, I’d appreciate it. ‘Cause I’ll tell you, I am not feeling you guys. I thought we were all supposed to go right to town on this. That was the impression that I got. I thought this shit was going to be fucking fascinating.
So what am I missing?
Are you just all burned-out from Final Crisis? Or was it really entirely unexceptional, inspiring no particular strong feelings of any kind.
Because I’ll tellya: I’ve got Dr. Ho commercials right here at home, for that.
Just my initial reaction, off the cuff.