Let’s do a little peculiar comics-centric Wold Newton from Arena Planet Z, Bloggers.
I need a team: a team of four comics writers, to be like the JLA.
And a team: a team of four comics artists, to be like the JSA.
Because they’re going to have a crossover. A crossover in which they first fight each other, and then team up to fight a common enemy…
Your pick of five comics bloggers from the anti-matter universe!
Which, of course, this is.
No, Cary Bates does not have a blog, so he’s not allowed. You know damn well who’s allowed and not allowed, anyway! So use your head!
Anyway, here’s mine:
1. Kurt Busiek! Contortionist-Master of Dispassionate Time and Continuity! Christ, he’s practically a Silver-Age Batman villain himself! I half expect him to toss me into a pit of wolves! The man is Hugo Strange! He will make all things conform, even if he has to use his toe to shove his eye into his nostril to do it! Kang? Did I hear you say Kang? YOU DON’T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT KANG! WHY I MET STEVE ENGLEHART ONCE AT A COMICS-CON…!
2. Chris Claremont! They call him The Clutterer: beware, he’ll dump buckets of words on you like so many cargoloads of Tribbles on Captain Kirk in that [reference] episode, you know the one I’m [reference] talking about, but anyway I’m damn proud to [reference] so many [reference] in that [reference] ! With his [reference] sword, he’ll make you rue the day you [referenced] his [reference] ! Truly, he doth [reference] that book The White Dragon by that Pern [reference] somewhat over-[reference]! For lo! And woe betide! Ever wonder what you’ve been thinking? HE HAS THE ANSWERS! AND HIS [REFERENCE] BELIES HIS SIZE…!
4. Gerry Conway! The Fizzicist, yo! Oh, he’ll get in the corners with ya, just like Gordie Howe! LIKE A GORDIE HOWE OF PHYSICS! Look out, Radioactive Man! Stop, my friction just made me read your mind! Astral projection? Why, it’s just a matter of me looking in the mirror, alien visitor! But…WAIT! Holy…! Can it be…? Mister, you just made me MAD…and now all laws of physics are OFF…!
5. Alan Moore! The Frustrated Magus! He is out of this whole place! Out of the Universe! Out of the Multiverse! Out of the Omniverse! Why, by gum, he is gonna use hand gestures you haven’t even THOUGHT of! Haven’t even yet CONCEIVED of! Hand-gestures that will simply BLOW YOUR MIND…
Or is it that you use them every day, these gestures?
OHMYFUCKINGGOD…! FREAKOUT! NNNNNNAAAAAAA! I TOTALLY DO USE THOSE HAND GESTURES…!
1. Dave Gibbons. The Chameleon! Sure, you’re never exactly fooled by it…but something in you wants to believe, and that’s when he POUNCES! Like a…um, you know, freakin’ CHAMELEON! Like that fuckin’ song! Or something! Look, I forget! And you will too, when he gets his hands on you! You’ll become your own pastiche, your own homage…
2. Chris Ware. Iron Chef Pivoting 5-Dimensional Axis Of Remorse-Man! Behold as he dissects the schematic of your life, peeling it, chopping it finely, putting it under the salamander, pouring it into the ice-cream machine, mixing it with a little boiled dikon or some sea-urchin liver, putting it into historical context…MMM, SO TASTY! IS DESSERT SOME KIND OF CANDY NOOSE, PERCHANCE?
3. Ivan Brunetti! The Shadowy King of Self-Loathing! Can depress any adversary, even a bar of soap or the New Yorker! Even in summertime! Even a rubber ducky! Oh God, I hate myself!
4. Sal Buscema. The De-Identifier! Square jaw, blue eyes, blond hair…that’s the Falcon, as drawn by Sal Buscema! He will strip you of everything you are…Bruce Banner, Future Peter Parker, MODOK…ALL IDENTITY WILL BE SUBMERGED…!
1. Chris Sims. Ironic Butterfly Waffle-Iron: if he can find a picture of you, he can give it some sizzle…BUT THIS KIND OF SIZZLE YOU DON’T WANT!
2. Shane Bailey. Anti-Polly. Look out, you’ll get into it with him…and then he’ll give you some bushwah about how he’e getting married inside a giant transparent snail, and how he can talk to animals, and if you really just THOUGHT about design issues…pretty soon you’re sucked into his web of lies, ’til you begin to live them yourself, and soon you find you can’t talk to ANYBODY. At least, not without them walking away…
3. Dick Hyacinth. Fully Five Characters From The Phantom Tollbooth. Not only can’t you take a step, but you’re sinking, Not only that, but you’re piloting a bumper car that isn’t bumping into anything. And not only that, but you’re jumping to conclusions and finding yourself back where you began. Yes, BEGAN! Sorry, but we’ve changed all the rules. Numbers are actually colours, now. Because, I mean, you know… MILO, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE…!
4. Sean Witzke, Mechablogzilla. Doesn’t care how big or small you are, he will CRUSH you under the weight of his Wu-Tang PJ Fear of W-H-Y-Question-Mark Merry Christmas 007 Gene-Wilder-In-Blackface Ray Harryhausen Magic Castle Seventh Seal Cars Harrison Orphee Spike Jones Being There Ape Lincoln Mozart Gojira Lascaux Atticus Asterix Shoe Fleisher Pogo Psycho Killer Wren Bach Miro Coltrane Keats Michelin Picasso Jaime Einstein Kool-Aid Leonardo Hula-Hoop Fibonacci Days Of Our Lives Godel Gramsci Disney Carl Hutchins Plato Pluto Questor Schismatrix Abner Newton Granny Smith Silly Putty Buscema…”Then doesn’t that mean God doesn’t exist…?
But now CUT LOOSE on the attackers…oh, attackers, you won’t know what to do… this is X-Men TIMES TEN, this is MESSED UP…
5. Adam Star. Blue Mandala. Hello?
No context, huh.
Actually, if I have to I can live without context. Say, why don’t you join me! It’s not too bad. Sun-eyes everywhere. Inescapable, don’t you know. Water doors everywhere. Bloop.
The truth will out. No one can stop it. Superheroes can’t stop it.
No one can stop it.
You can’t stop it.
Tomorrow I will describe the full story of who beats up whom, and how. And I invite all readers to make up their own writer/artist/blogger bogus conflict. So far I’ve had great fun out of mine. But NO LINKS, except to back here, if you please. I don’t mind if the idea spreads far and wide, but I think the linking could be done in the comments. Last thing I want is the A-grade bloggers to come back around here. I eschew those links, I really do. Nothing against ’em. But I’d rather not have ’em.
And oh yeah, who do YOU think would win? Would Dick Hyacinth bore the FUCK out of Alan Moore, or would Alan freak the SHIT out of Dick? And does it matter who starts first?
Official rules: you can re-use people (ANY people, even the ones I’ve used), but you’ve got to have some patter for it that makes it worthwhile, and you can’t put in links to the people you mention. Because I would much prefer this to slip under the ordinary blogging radar, if you even like it at all. And as far as the writers and the artists go, try to do the dirt only to the ones you love, like I did.
Okay, I think I’m starting to say things twice. If no one likes this game, I’ll do another iteration tomorrow which will be sure to finish it. I don’t know. It seemed like a good idea an hour ago.