Large Coffee

I’m just looking at this thing right now.

It’s ridiculous.

For the last month or so, I’ve been making myself an actual cup of coffee in the mornings. Sometimes I go all crazy and have two cups. Ooooh! But this…

This isn’t a cup, this is a vase or something. Good Christ, was I really plowing through two of these a day back in April? It’s a wonder my head didn’t unscrew itself and fly away. What is this? How did this happen? What in the hell is going on?

I picture the future: “Hey, anybody else notice that people back in late C20 and early C21 made a whole lot of really bad choices all the time?” “Well, what d’you expect? They were drinking like two wine bottles full of coffee every day, right? And washing ’em down with a pint of fried mayonnaise. Hell, we’re lucky there’s even a world left, man…”

Damn it, from now on it’s only rainwater for me, seriously. This whole thing is getting out of hand, I feel like the Hunter S. Thompson of coffee or something. The carpet’s full of snakes all of a sudden, you know?

No, it isn’t the criticism of luxury, okay you got me there.

Or…waitaminute, holy cats, maybe it is, and you don’t…!

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2 responses to “Large Coffee

  1. “…a pint of fried mayonnaise.” That one will stay with me for a while, I fear. Ugh.

    Mark Helprin (“Winter’s Tale”) wrote a wild book called “Memoir from Antproof Case,” featuring one man’s lifelong battle against “the world’s most insidious slaver: coffee.” over-the-top hilarious.

    I’m good for about a pint and a half a day, myself. (Of coffee, that is, not fried mayonnaise).

  2. Hey, Mike — I can put the mayonnaise away pretty good, myself.

    And just now finishing up the second half of yesterday’s coffee. Mmm.

    You know, another thing that’s bugging me on TV lately is the presumption that people find it really hard to get any fruit or vegetables in a day. Leaving aside Dave Chappelle routines, how arduous is this really, to feel like having a banana or some celery? Tomato juice commercials tout their “equivalent to two servings of vegetables” thing, and it makes me think they’ll soon be offering vegetables in pill form…as someone (I forget who, thank God this is just the Internet) said once, the problem of modern life isn’t getting what you want, but wanting what you like…I mean I just had a big dish of broccoli and mushrooms last night and it was very tasty, so what’s the impediment here?

    People don’t like vegetables?

    But…yes they do, don’t they?

    Only in our part of North America would it be possible for poor people to be able to afford french fries, but not potatoes.

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