Archive for November, 2007

Minor Torchwood Problem

The show’s opening features the main characters doing a Slo-Mo Badass Strut.

I have a deep philosophical objection to the Slo-Mo Badass Strut.  To wit:  it makes me want to punch people in the face.  I don’t even think it can be done subversively anymore (although if anyone’s capable, it’s probably Joss Whedon…who is, sadly, not involved in the Torchwood program), because the fact is that the abyss gazes also, and not all irony is Grade A.  Not all irony is steak, in other words;  some is sausage.

And some is catfood.

That’s pretty much how I feel about the Slo-Mo Badass Strut.

Blogger Strikes Again!

How handy;  today I’ve noticed that if I don’t use my Blogger/Google password, I can’t sign into a Blogger user’s comments as “Other”, but only as “Nickname”…which means, the sign-in screen doesn’t ask me for my website, so my name doesn’t link back to my blog.

Which is functionally the exact same thing as signing in as “Anonymous”.

So…

That’s a bit too bad.  Not that it makes a big difference for me (oh, except for the egoistic thought that now someone fascinated by MY BRILLIANT COMMENT! won’t be able to find where I live to imbibe more of my glorious wisdom), but occasionally I have been known to want to trace back someone’s comment that I read somewhere, to their own blog.  And now it appears those days are over.

So that’s a little inconvenient.

“We’ve decreased our product’s versatility, in our continuing quest to serve you better”, is what it amounts to I suppose.  I don’t know why I’m even surprised anymore.

Salami Tactics

Greetings, Bloggers. I’ve just been thinking, thanks to Sean, about what I don’t like about Heroes (i.e. that everyone who likes it seems to think it’s “fast-paced”, when to me it seems like televisual fatware), and for some reason it’s forcefully reminded me of some stupid shit I’ve seen on the tube recently. OH NO I DIDN’T! I did NOT just call TV stupid, did I? ZING! Take that, airwaves…

But it’s bigger than that, I think. Because that TV is dumb, well whatever, that battle’s lost, if indeed it was ever fought in the first place…and so what? Who cares?

But “dumb” is not the same thing as “appallingly fucking stupid”, or at least it shouldn’t be. I can accept the salami tactics of TV’s gradual corporate dumbification project; however a thick slice is still a thick slice, and we shouldn’t act dumber than we are. This isn’t supposed to be Idiocracy yet, for God’s sake!

So, why does it look so much like it?

Here’s a couple of things I saw on TV recently. I saw an ad for Lindt chocolate that promised some kind of sensual embrace “for all your five senses”. Which is quite an amazing claim, because: really? Even hearing? I forget who said that all ads for chocolate are just thinly-veiled ads for masturbation (the young wife sneaks away from her football-watching hubby, into the bathroom with the Toblerone…), but wow, this is a step up even from that. You will fucking hear things.

Ah!

But of course, no you won’t.

The next ad up was for Advil. You’re probably familiar with this campaign: “if you think a little thing like a soaring fever or a chest cold will stop me…then you don’t know me.” Oh, hardass credo of the suburban jogger, how I love you! Except, wait, once again it’s just gone one step too far, because the athletic self-betterment activity the woman uttering that remark is engaged in (and yes, of course it’s a woman, isn’t it?) is swimming. Swimming? My God, is there anyone on earth who thinks fucking swimming is a good idea when you’ve got a cold or the flu or something?

And anyway, since when did Advil become anything more than an analgesic? “Damn this persistent cough! Think I’ll take an aspirin and go for a freedive…”

This isn’t just dumb; this is simply vacant of sense. This is false advertising, damn it. And the funny thing is, it’s actually against the law.

Don’t believe me about the falseness? Witness, then, the latest commercial in the ongoing Lysol campaign, that encourages young mothers (always the women, for Christ’s sake!) to spray down their kids’ tricycles and birthday-party balloons in order to rid them of “viruses”…this newest abomination, this newest illegal lie, instructs the clean-limbed American hausfrau to spray Lysol in her bathroom so as to eliminate the “dangerous viruses” that threaten her children. The animation shows virulent-looking words floating in the air: Rotavirus, Rhinovirus. But then along comes the Lysol and dissolves them all, harmlessly.

By the way: Rhinovirus?

That’s the common cold.

And if it were as dangerous as all that, let’s face it, world population would be like a quarter of what it is now. Spraying Lysol in the bathroom, in that case, would be like dumping a pack of Jell-O into the Red River in spring, and expecting it to turn the whole watercourse into a harmlessly tasty dessert, that flood victims could then delightedly nibble their way out of. In other words: this is truly shameful stuff. This is snake oil. They might as well say it’ll grant you immortality; that’d be no more false an assertion. You will live forever! You will never grow old!

Thick slices. Thick. But we shouldn’t be here yet. We should still be getting gradually dumbed-down, still be in the world of the salami tactics. So something’s changed. I’m not going to say what, though. Not yet.

Not yet.

Because this aggressive stupid-headedness isn’t confined to commercials on TV. Oh, no. It’s in the dramatic programming, too. Heroes provides a pretty good example of this assaultive vacancy (although probably Bionic Woman is even better), where all that is unnecessary is painfully spelled out a dozen times an episode, and all that’s needful to know is buried ten miles deep under a basaltic blanket of dense-motherfuckerism. And Jerry Springer can’t touch this; this isn’t simply socially crass, this is intellectually corrosive. Because just as the famous distinction between lies and bullshit goes “liars at least care somewhat, if only negatively, about truth-values…but bullshitters consider the difference absolutely trivial”, so too does the plotline of your average modern television drama adhere only to its bullshit “tension”, gleefully rejecting as worthless any conclusion legitimately capable of paying it off. Real-world sense, even in its (heretofore necessary) manifestation in story-logic or internal consistency, is jettisoned as pure dead weight — because hey, who needs it? Who cares? I’m not even talking about about the “ten percent of our brains” thing…that’s just more dumb, not stick-stone stupid. No, I’m talking about when things just kind of happen. Dialogue just “happens”, action just “happens”, denouements just “happen”, tic-tac-toe it’s a tie, imagine that. Infodumps cease to dump any actual info. Effects are emptied of causes. Connective threads are hyperbolized. Because hey, if you think a little thing like any of this adding up to anything will stop me…well, then…

Hey, you don’t know me.

When the LA riots broke out, we heard a lot of talk about how TV was responsible, and also a lot of talk about how it wasn’t. And I always thought it was, but I didn’t blame it on the inuring effect of the old ultra-violence, you see. I blamed it on Frasier.

But of course when I say I blamed it on Frasier — on Frasier, floating high above the world in his little dream-bubble of romantic farce and perfect wealth and security! My God what a view he’s got, up there! — I’m not really being serious, I’m trying instead to be a little bit satirical. I’m playing the part of a guy who can’t see the absurdum for the reductio, and so I can’t possibly mean it, except I do mean I may not be the only one who’s saying stuff he can’t possibly mean. It decomposes like this, see: Frasier is what they now call in the marketing biz an “aspirational” comedy…but, wait, hey! What happened to all the aspiration that was supposed to be in that aspiration, you know?

And, my very point: after all, once you empty out or otherwise set about beggaring your aspirations, then what’s the point of not smashing everything in sight?

So pop, I sincerely hope, goes the balloon. But now back to Heroes, and Studio 60, and Bionic Woman, and oh just anything where the show doesn’t point anything out, but only presses it on you instead, like a bribe. Far, far worse stuff than the likeable Frasier, I assure you. Because plot, like character, isn’t necessary any longer to these shows. They may still cling to it a little bit — cling to the shreds of it — out of habit, but the interplay of plot and character no longer form the key to their appeal. Compliance does; as in “so long as we get to the part you tuned in to see, you damn well will not care about how we got there, you ungrateful swine.” In Studio 60 this was the walkabout Mamet-lite bantering…look, buddy, so long as you get to hear it, you shouldn’t complain about having to listen to it….and in Spider-Man 3 it was the willy-nilly jamming in of recognizable characters and their turnabouts, whether all that added up to a good story or not…look, you wanted to see it, buddy, so now you can just damn well sit there and look at it. In Bionic Woman it’s Smouldering Bionic Action, and never mind whether or not it’s appropriate for Jaime to be trapped in a blender with old pitches for Alias and Nikita…I swear I laugh when I think of how amazingly little she questions whether no-oversight off-the-books covert agencies are really that gee-whiz an idea in 2007, for Christ’s sake James Bond questions the morality of what he’s doing more than she does…

In the remake of Planet Of The Apes, it was “that image” that the director wanted so badly to see, the image of our hero face-to-face with Ape Lincoln…oh, anything for that “image”, my God! Anything!

At DC comics, it’s a dream of saving all established phenomena by creating a Total Universal Order…

At Marvel, it’s the somewhat-complementary dream of obliterating all established phenomena for the purpose of creating a Total Universal Order…

And for Heroes, it’s just…I wanna see superheroes on TV, but I want them to be cool.

But are any of these things worthwhile aspirations, if how you get to have them ceases to matter? Me, I’m thinking of writing the makers of Bionic Woman, and telling them “hey, your excellent chocolate sure tastes delicious, but I’ve got to tell you I didn’t hear jack shit when I ate it, and now I’ve caught pneumonia again. Also when I said I wanted superheroes to be cool, I didn’t mean they should also have to be boring as dirt, so how ’bout a refund?”

Oh…no refund, huh?

Well, damn you to hell, Ape Lincoln. You just went and you blew it all up, didn’t you.

Thick bastard. You’re gonna be yoghurt pretty soon, if you keep on like this.

On the bright side though, Bloggers, I really liked Death Note! Think I might start watching it regularly…

End rant.

Topics In Fantasy: Chesterton, Kirby, Gaiman

Or: “When Strikes…The Napoleon Of Three Septembers And A January!”

Let’s hope this one turns out pretty darn good.

You know, I rarely think about dream movie projects anymore. Somehow, in this era of great power and little responsibility I have come to dread them instead of yearn for them. Well, age and care will educate even the most committed ignoramus: so many things I yearned for have come true in the worst way, I’d have to be deaf and blind not to know that bringing a dream to life is often the easiest way to wreck it. When I was seventeen, I dreamed of a swing revival, of all things: suits and civility, and old-timey cocktails.

And we all saw how well that turned out, didn’t we?

So, no knock against any of the current comics-inspired movies and animated programs, many of which are of excellent quality, but outside the comics world: no, in general terms I don’t yearn to see someone make a movie of this or that beloved book. I feel lucky to have got the extended version of Peter Jackson’s Fellowship Of The Ring, absolutely. But I didn’t ask for it; long before it came out, I’d stopped asking for things like that.

Well, mostly, anyway.

Until the death of Nigel Hawthorne, there was still one beloved book that I yearned to see as a movie. Maybe that was because the whole theme of the book was about the successful bringing-to-life of dreams, I don’t know. Probably it was. Now that he’s dead, I can’t imagine wanting it any more: he would’ve been too perfect for it, and I can’t tolerate the idea of substituting for him, even just in my head.

The book? G.K. Chesterton’s The Napoleon Of Notting Hill…and the perfect role for Nigel: England’s jokester King, Auberon Quin.

You do not know how beautiful I would’ve made it. You really don’t. Terry Gilliam, step aside: it would’ve been glorious, and Nigel would have taken home bucketfuls of awards for it.

And that’s all done now. But still: the perfect, apocalyptic reflexion of a Chestertonian movie is something we might fruitfully meditate on. I once dreamed of movie versions of my favourite books, but that’s only because any movie is a dream, already: a slick, feverish reinscription of oneiric logic over the things of life, that makes them glisten in the half-light. The essential character of every movie is a premonitory one, if you stop to think about it: far more than even a stage play, a movie controls sight in such a way that it drags the viewer’s perspective through (as it were) a diamond. The crystal facets of space, the interior flaws of time: one is absorbed into them.

And then sweats their meanings out, soaking the sheets.

Hey, is this a good time to talk about how much I liked Ang Lee’s Hulk?

I guess not. Okay, onward then! To Chesterton, and his famous love of paradoxes. For him, absolutely nothing in the world was more natural than finding essences in their opposites; so naturally he didn’t see the dreams of fiction (of fantasy) supplanting reality, but instead saw “reality” as completely hollow and unprovable until anointed by the fictive element. By the imaginative element: before which, in the Chestertonian scheme, reality softens, quivers, and inevitably falls into new courses against its will. Through his typically bold (and well-argued) inversions, material facts and objects were made the true abstractions, the true ephemera, as the most nebulous intangibilities were proven the very source of solidity.

And it doesn’t matter what he was doing it for. What matters is that he arrived at all the conclusions of my old English professors about seventy years ahead in advance of their arguments being launched. Nothing can be real without also being true, but truth can exist independently of reality; in fact sometimes the most unreal thing is even the truest.

Some alchemy, eh? Everybody wondered what happened to it, after it disappeared from the test tubes and the boiling beakers. They never suspected it went into letters.

That’s where it went, though!

Where the powers of the Philosopher’s Stone are a much better fit, if you want my opinion. The Napoleon Of Notting Hill does indeed turn “lead” into “gold” — in fact that’s its whole objective, as fiction. As fiction that talks about reality, by talking about fiction

Hmm, haven’t we heard that line somewhere before…?

Like, hasn’t Neil Gaiman made an entire career out of bellowing it from the rooftops?

God bless Neil, that’s just what he’s done, and he’s done it extraordinarily well. I think Chesterton would have heartily approved of the paradoxical shifts and softening viewpoints embedded in Sandman, and its revelations of how an underlying dream-logic supports reality’s structure. “This never happened,” cries Puck in amazement as he watches the first performance of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, “but it is true!” Well, what else would a fictional character say, upon encountering a play about (as we commonly understand it now) the experience of going to the theatre? It’s actually a wonder his head doesn’t explode.

But importantly, Gaiman isn’t merely drawing on Chestertonian paradox and postmodern lit-crit in Sandman; he’s drawing on comics, too, and in comics the high priest of bringing dreams into reality (Winsor McKay’s midnight snacks notwithstanding) is Jack Kirby. And this is what I wanted to get at! Because construing Kirby as a descendant of Chesterton seems an impossibility at first glance, and yet the more you look at it the better sense it makes.

Only, with a twist: because unlike Chesterton and Gaiman, Kirby’s fantasies were not reflexion (as a movie of Napoleon or the story of Emperor Norton would be…boy, talk about your premonitions! It’d be like The Painting That Ate Paris!), but they were revision. They were retcon, if you like: because everywhere Kirby went, he sought to subvert the traditional signifiers and tropes of his genre in an effort to free them for other uses. Mythological uses, of course! Which is to say, psychological uses. Therapeutic uses, really, as this is how all fiction and fantasy operates. The landscape of Kirby’s imagination is of course positively littered with gods, but they are all (aha!) new gods, new generations of gods, more befitting the mythological/psychological/therapeutic needs of what Kirby believed was a terminally future-shocked new generation of readers. Which is to say: dreamers. Here is his revision in a nutshell: Ben Grimm for the Golem, Black Bolt for Christ, Captain Victory for Krishna, Galactus for Yahweh, Reed Richards for Apollo — Kirby re-envisions them all, re-dresses them in obscure and allusive clothing, and sends them off into the recesses of the human brain, the recesses of the mythological imagination, in the hopes of changing what dreams are. So, this might have been a world where Apollo and Krishna got shoved aside, where by now no one had ever heard of them; and is that so inconceivable? Back in the Sixties, as Kirby moved into full engagement with his mature storytelling concerns, the concept of counterculture paved the way for those concerns to be more happily taken inward by his readers — tune in, turn on, drop out…make new, was the order of the day. Turn dreams to reality, but first find new dreams that you would like to see, instead of the stagnant stuff that clogs up the ancient psychological gutters of the Establishment. Envision a new past, a new present, and then a new future: let the apocalypse — that means the revelation, Road Warrior fans — explode the tiredly formal continuity of boring daily meanings with a POP, and let it all be changed. Let it all always have been changed.

This is what Chesterton does, only without the sci-fi visual flourishes.

What Gaiman does, without the clever (so clever!) Catholic prosyletizing.

My argument: Kirby is the missing link — the tidal surge? — that connects them.

And out there somewhere, as yet beyond sight…the silver reaches of the estuary

We can’t see it, but we can already smell it, I think.

But what do you think, Bloggers? Is it, as I claim, a Topic In Fantasy?

Nobody Tells Me These Things

Like, why didn’t I know about this?!

Or this?

Hmm, I wonder what else I don’t know about…

Reduce, Re-Use, Recycle…

Regret.

Greetings, Bloggers; here, for your snarky amusement, is me putting on airs in an essay on comics and film for the non-comics reader that, were it submitted to me, I would probably mark up in all kinds of red ink. But, it wasn’t submitted to me, was it? No it was not.

You may find it a trifle arch, a trifle smug, a trifle presumptuous; a trifle bashed-out. I, however, find it a trifle handy at the moment, so without further ado (not to mention without further editing), here the bugger is. You may make a mess of it, if you’re so inclined; I don’t really like my essay-writing voice too well anyway.

Well, that’s why I’ve got a blog, right?

“The Stepchildren Of Enthusiasm”

Somehow, it’s become fashionable these days to talk about the links between cartooning and filmmaking. Of course, why it wasn’t fashionable before is something of a mystery; especially since cartooning has been the foundation of the filmmaker’s craft for more years than anyone here has been alive. And, that’s a topic in itself: how does one progress from the staging concerns of opera buffo, to those of Napoleon, to those of Raiders of the Lost Ark? Well, unfortunately cultural content is a vast field of interconnected pathways and influences, draped with feedback loops of all sizes, and so the topic’s a bit too big for us to examine tout court. However, as far as film goes — and television too, particularly American television and film — I think we can dare to suggest that things are becoming more and more cartoonish (read: more comic-booky) all the time, and furthermore we may dare to suggest a reason for it.

But bear in mind, the reason has nothing to do with the kind of elitism that pronounces Raiders inferior to Orpheus; the “creeping cartoonishness” of American film and TV I propose here isn’t about subject matter, but about mise-en-scene instead. In other words it’s a visual trend, not a logical one: it’s about spectacle, rather than semantics, and it’s produced as many great and innovative directorial choices as it has banal and unfocussed ones.

And it begins at the beginning, naturally, just as the artistic endeavours that produce cartooning and film alike descend from a common ancestor: fine art. From which cartooning inherits its ability to play as roughly as it likes with distortions of perspective, figure, space and time…and from which film inherits its concentration on moment and density. In comics, the eye is drawn (or pushed) along from frame to frame, or detail to detail within a frame: the reader typically finds himself following a diagram composed of both picture and printed word, an implicit dynamism in a page layout that encourages him to simulate a persistence of vision inside his own skull, as his eye lights on this and then that carefully-placed element, in a sequence that suggests a (somewhat elastic) continuity.

In film, though, there’s no need for simulation: the persistence of vision is directly employed, and to push or pull the eye along to a desired conclusion is not necessary. In film, the eye is not drawn, but encouraged to fall in, instead: a comic’s fluid (or even empty!) backgrounds, juxtaposed with its static (if pregnant!) foreground figures have no application in a medium where figures move about with dramatic purpose inside meticulously managed, symbolically resonant, and continuous background frames. Continuity is built-in, because filmed images can so easily achieve depth that the camera doesn’t need to do much more than sit at chest height, and passively show what’s before it: whereas in comics, perspectives are always jumping and rotating, falling to the floor or soaring to the ceiling, peeking at the action from odd angles. And these are generalizations, of course, as we’ll see; but in a general sense, it remains true that the camera has capabilities the drawing-hand lacks, as the drawing-hand possesses versatility that the camera can only dream of.

However, art doesn’t stand still, either: arguably, the enormous visual ambition of Welles’ Citizen Kane sang the knell of film’s plein Americain when it discovered how to pick the eye up, as well as suck it in…lifting over rooftops, tucking itself into corners of ceilings, plummeting down into chairs, after Kane the viewer’s eye could go anywhere, and thus became capable of seeking out more adventuresome meanings in the scenes it regarded. Depth became deeper still, inside the filmed image; backgrounds could become fluid, or even harden into a more perfect, crystalline stasis, depending on the symbolic punctuation a filmmaker was looking for. The eye looked down, then up…sometimes the eye was frozen. But always, the eye was carried along. Moved. Not just placed.

And if Welles could do it in film, why couldn’t the cartoonists do it on paper? Comics didn’t stand still either: having progressed from the busyness of one-panel cartoons to the kaleidoscopic drama of strips, cartoonists were well-placed to have their minds changed by Welles’ innovations, too. Naturally I wouldn’t presume to argue that Will Eisner’s seminally playful comics work owed a debt to Welles, or even vice versa — though it’s hardly ludicrous to imagine it, the fact remains that it may have gone both ways, or even not at all, and without actual research (something, you may have noticed, that this essay is rather short on) it would be pointless to speculate. On the other hand, if there are indeed such things as trends in cultural content, it seems silly to say that Welles and Eisner were not each part of the same one, particularly since we do see an increasing visual sophistication in American popular art generally through the 1940s. And, there are the angles to reckon with, and the perspectives: at any rate no one now would suggest that film and comics are unaware of one another, and if the visual trend of the 40s isn’t where their acquaintance began then it must certainly have begun earlier, because it could barely have begun later. Anyway, who can imagine a young cartoonist in New York City not walking away from his local movie theatre, perhaps on several occasions, triumphantly thinking “I can do that”? If art resides anywhere, it resides in the imagination of the individual, and individuals see art: and cultural content is a vast field of interconnected pathways. Interconnected influences. And there never was a cartoonist or filmmaker raised in absolute ignorance of fine art, after all…

At least…there wasn’t

Until, perhaps, the 1990s?

Which, as it happens, is where we must leave the conjectural history of comic and film to one side for a moment…because since we live in this era, we can abandon convoluted theory for simple observation. To wit: these days, filmmakers admit their comic-book influences more and more readily, as comics creators more openly declare their allegiance to filmic principles…as well as Hollywood aspirations. We need not even look as far as cartoonist Eddie Campbell’s frequent blog-subject, “The Tyranny Of The Camera”; we need only visit the multiplex, or the video store. Comics are everywhere in film these days, and they even look like comics…because, quite simply, they’re supposed to.

But, how is it that the filmmakers know what comics are supposed to look like?

The answer is obvious: it’s because they, themselves, have grown up as fans of the mainstream superhero comic. Well, they even say so! But then of course any decent filmmaker knows how to “hang a lantern” on a fault, and we shouldn’t be deluded into thinking that just because they can admit the influence, they’re magically made less influenced by it. If we turn our attention to the small screen of broadcast and syndicated television, where many filmmakers-in-training cut their teeth, we can see a great deal of evidence that the techniques Welles and Eisner pioneered are not being employed for their original purposes: cameras hide in ceiling corners and loom over skylights here too, but the implication of those perspectives is thematically null, because art is lacking from the execution. In other words, this isn’t Maus, or From Hell; it isn’t even Love and Rockets. It’s X-Men. It’s bits of visual business, slathered on top of a slight story so as to punch it up with the intimation of bigger things. Movement, for pure movement’s sake. Because, after all, what purpose does it serve to have the camera surreptitiously track a character from its weird purchase on the ceiling of the starship Enterprise, rather than simply note him entering from over the Captain’s shoulder? What sense of vista is truly involved here? I submit that there is none: the camera that observes Mr. Data taking his place in the suspiciously hot-tub-like bridge is not exploring the same territory as the camera looking down on the reporter in Xanadu (at least, not consciously), but only perhaps mimicking something seen in a fondly-remembered issue of Spider-Man from long ago, which itself was probably part homage to earlier artists…who perhaps were once directly struck by the excitement generated in Kane or The Spirit, and thought “I can do that!”…

And so if we look assiduously, we must notice that it isn’t always Welles’ footsteps that are being followed here, or even Eisner’s, or for that matter Marshall Rogers’. Rather, the footsteps are those of Frank Miller, John Byrne…even Todd McFarlane. If you’re not a comics fan, you may not know these names. But rest assured, Quentin Tarantino does, and Kevin Smith, and Sam Raimi, and J.J. Abrams too. Not that they’ve never heard of Welles or Eisner! But those are only their remote and dignified grandfathers, where Miller and McFarlane are their batty, chummy uncles…and some influences influence more than others do, because they’re more familiar. The subject will show the strategy, most times: and therefore where the “cartoonish” ability to toy with perspective is barren of thematic moment, we need not think that we are merely dealing with an incompetent technician! We need only realize that our filmic presentations seem to be becoming more comic-booky because that’s what they’re indeed becoming. The visual influence of the 40s is strongly felt in the modern-day mise-en-scene, no question of it; but it’s felt mostly on the left-hand side, as it were, because a whole generation of visual imaginers have grown up without ever hearing of the plein Americain, because comics dispensed with it before they were even born, and they were comics fans first.

Not that that’s necessarily a bad thing. Or even, a universal thing: for every one of these pointless New Orthodoxy Star Trek shot-sequences, there are ten artful pillagings of “trash” culture that do lunge at excitement, and revel in the understanding of their own influences; and I don’t mean to suggest for an instant that there are not, because as I said, this is not an attack on perceived Philistinism. “Trash” culture is just as interesting as any other kind, and the visuals that populate it (and propagate from it) are hardly the bastard offspring of fine art. Far from it. That trash culture borrows and filches from everywhere it can (not excepting itself!) is what keeps it vital, when other traditions become moribund. So again, we need not pretend that film and television are not becoming more “comic-booky”, when the people who make it are happy to admit where they’ve come from; and still less do we need to pretend the current loop that comics and movies find themselves in needs to originate in something more “respectable” than a scavenger aesthetic. A scavenger aesthetic can produce art, too.

Just, not if it’s understood as something other than what it is. Much more worrisome than someone like Tarantino (who at least is aware of the funny ways his influences address one another) is an artist who misinterprets his homages to one medium as homages to the other instead, or worse, finds nothing to distinguish the two from each other — essentially, such a person mistakes the conversation between comics and film as being a speech taking place in front of a mirror, and in that mistake he collapses the differences between them. Usually to quite disastrous effect: for while the adventurous perspectives of Welles might easily be confused with the less adventurous ones of, say, McFarlane, and (as with the Star Trek hot tub scene) no real harm done, one of the things which sets film off from comics most sharply is its necessarily different conception of cadence. And this is a problem, because filmic mise-en-scene is still much deeper than any diagram: the figures absorb meaning and weight from their richly-textured grounds in a way comics can’t match, and pour them into unreplaceable beats of time that comics don’t have. Pockets of silence punctuate the filmic moment, that the expressiveness of faces and motions and landscapes fill up — negative space is fallen into, and then emerged from, as a passageway, all while the precious seconds tick by. And the mise-en-scene constructs it all.

But it isn’t so in comics, where more detail just means more places that the eye must be moved through, and the negative space is all…well, spatial. Because cadence on the comics page isn’t made of real time, but simulated time, that wonderfully more elastic stuff that comes out of the tip of a pen…and that must be followed on purpose, because it can’t be effortlessly fallen into. So here’s where the danger of comics enthusiasts being divorced from the knowledge of fine art becomes acute: for without it, they only see the importation of filmic techniques into comics, or comics techniques into film, as (by turns) revolutionary and natural…when in fact, it isn’t either one. To simply fill a comic with pockets of silence in emulation of the beats of film, is only to draw attention to those beats’ fundamental absence — because the isolated picture does not move, no matter how detailed it is: we only imagine its movement into being by juxtaposing it with its diagrammatic neighbours. Time is not at a premium in comics as it is in film; but space is, because every beat must be marked off in square centimeters of ink, and ink costs money just as celluloid does. In film, a reaction shot may be of arbitrary length, because every instant it consumes is animated by the expression of mobile faces; conversely, in comics a reaction shot must call ever more strongly on Warhol the more it’s extended past a panel or two.

Similarly, film cannot support the kind of exposition that comics inject so casually into their narratives: although in any movie or television show there is certainly time enough for a lot of words to be spoken, more words mean fewer pauses for reflection, and therefore less room for the acting which (in terms of mise-en-scene) consists of the figures’ utilization of their mood-charged backdrops. In comics, foregrounded confrontations are cheaply available if one wants them; Spider-Man carries on a stand-up comedy routine while he fights Doctor Octopus, and keeps an internal monologue afloat at the same time as well. Exposition and action run in parallel, the better to keep theme surrounded. But in filmic efforts this is not possible: real time will not permit it, and therefore too-frequent confrontations of this sort on the screen are cheap in another sense — they cost too much, for their poor quality. Not to pick on Star Trek too much, but the contrast between the predominantly film-influenced original series and its more comics-based successors is instructive: an episode of, say, Deep Space Nine rarely goes by without some character or other aggressively telling their motivations and reactions out loud, and for the viewer to discover that war is hell apparently requires each character to soliloquize on the matter for a minute or more, kaleidoscopically, between explosions, until the allotted hour is up. Whereas under Gene Roddenberry’s pen, the summation of feeling comes only with climax or its aftermath, as the one-and-only point — and even then, the point is not necessarily jammed between the viewer’s ribs. Because the acting makes the point as much the words do, and frequently more; the acting is not there merely to justify (or, more unkindly, sell) whatever dramatic intent the script has been made to embody, but the words are present to enable a drama that is already visually implicit in the relationship of character to action to scene.

That such confusions exist is remarkable. How can a comics-based aesthetic somehow arrange to miss the importance of the symbolic picture as soon as a camera is placed in its hand? How can a filmic sensibility choose to wash its hands of the evocation of words, the freedom to explicate images as it pleases, just as soon as it’s released from the tyranny of the almighty running time? Perhaps the answer is chillingly simple: if one’s visual education as an artist or filmmaker is based exclusively on the short-circuited technical crossover between Deep Space Nine and Astonishing X-Men, then one has no ability to employ a perspective that might illuminate their relationship in a larger context. I hope it is not too controversial to say that there are many graphic artists today who never learned, because in many cases they were never taught, how to draw…who learned their craft only from reading mainstream comic books, perhaps, or from watching Hollywood movies. Is it then so outrageous to suppose that there are many filmmakers today whose visual education has fallen into the hands of these same artists? Undoubtedly Welles and Eisner drew on the tradition of fine art for their common visual understanding and ambition, just as Steven Spielberg did, and Frank Miller…but if today it’s a cross-pollination of Spielberg’s and Miller’s visual aesthetics that’s producing creative fruit for us, that is not necessarily the same thing. One more step down the ladder, and it’ll be Michael Bay and Todd McFarlane who transmit visual principles to the next generation; a step after that and we’ll be on the ground, collecting rotten apples instead of ripe ones. Scavengers, of course; but at least we should know that’s what we are, or else why ever climb the tree again?

How ever to know what the links really are, between cartooning and filmmaking?

As fashionable as it’s become to talk about it, the talk must be more than about fashions if it’s to mean anything.

Even Quentin Tarantino will tell you that.

Dear Anti-Download Comics Creators

I notice that sometimes you say things like “illegally downloading a comic is every bit as wrong as illegally downloading music.”

With utmost respect, and with complete understanding of your position, let me make this request of you: STOP FUCKING PRESUMING TO SPEAK FOR ME, IF YOU DON’T MIND. I’m a music publisher, and I DON’T agree with that statement of yours, and I’m NOT alone in that, so please stop with the goddamn fait accompli, and stop dragging that horse behind that cart. I am not pre-empting you, after all. I may speak for myself, as a comic-book reader, but I’m happy to say that I think I stop short of counselling others. For example, I’m rarely heard to say:

“Claiming there’s something wrong with downloading free music is as absurd as claiming there’s something wrong with downloading free comics!”

Know what I mean?

So if you’d return that courtesy, that’d be swell.

Or…I don’t know, should I start saying it? Because it kind of helps my position, you know. Yes, it would definitely work in my favour…

Nose. It. Out of. Thank you. And by all means download all the songs by me you want, copy ‘em, mash ‘em up, give ‘em to your friends, feed ‘em to your dog, anything you want so long as money isn’t made. Peace and The Daily Show to you, comics creators; I feel sure that we will resume living in harmony very soon now.

Three-Chord Rock

I’ve recently come across this, I think through Occasional Superheroine. I don’t link, because if you’ve found me, you already found her ten times already…

I think it was Harvey (though it may have been Johnny B…no, pretty sure it was Harvey) who described the “Who Can Beat Who?” scenario as the three-chord rock of superhero fandom; leave aside your Jogs and Marc Singers, this is not the surf, this is the turf. Grade A geeksteak, choicest cut, still moo-ing when they bring it to yuh, practically melts in your god-damn mouth. Now fill your hands, you son of a bitch.

Of course I disagree with many of the evaluations at the link. The X-Men beat Superman? In a word: pshaw. Superman beat Galactus? What, Space-Jehovah? Really? Superman couldn’t beat the Silver Surfer (Space-Elijah?)…he couldn’t beat Odin, either.

Couldn’t beat Harry Potter.

Hmm, I think he could take Gandalf, though…

AHHHHHHH….

Three-chord rock.

Here’s what’s fucked about it.

This first came to my attention when I happened upon an argument over Who Could Beat Who: Spider-Man or Darth Vader (one commenter had it: “For God’s sake, Spider-Man’s already a Jedi! He’s like a super-Jedi!!!”). The characters are not commensurable. They live in radically different worlds, with radically different rules. If you like: if Darth Vader appears in Spider-Man’s book, Spidey wins. If Spidey appears in Vader’s book, Vader wins.

But…uh…

Hmm.

Of course this is all quite obvious. BUT. Maybe it’s got hidden depths. Since Gandalf’s “in play”, maybe I could mention my favourite part of the Lord Of The Rings in this connection: the Appendix titled “On Translation”, in which Tolkien reveals the true extent of his maddeningly philological fantasy structure. Bilbo’s name isn’t “Bilbo”, you see. The Brandywine River isn’t called “Brandywine”. These are translations.

These are inventions. In other languages that don’t exist. That then get translated.

Along with everything else around them.

What is the Common Tongue? English? No, it isn’t: it’s only been translated into English. But then in the wake of that translation, other translations must follow: the relationship of the language of the Rohirrim to the Common Tongue is (Tolkien tells us) roughly like the relationship of Old English to Modern English…but not quite. So he imagines a number of words that might have appeared in Modern English from Old English roots (but didn’t) as having done so…and then “translates” these, too, into Modern English expressions that don’t seem totally strange to us because we’ve encountered them before, or at least things like them. Because it’s not quite a one-to-one relation, you see? So he mixes up some linguistic spackle and he rolls over it.

Because Tolkien — I’m not sure this is known — was clearly insane.

Oh, clearly.

“Brandywine”. What he did there, was he made up a word in a language that has never existed (“Baranduin” = “brown water”), and then made a degraded phonological slang-term from it in English (“Brandywine”), and THEN MADE UP AN INTERMEDIATE STEP, in the form of a pun in some “other” language (the language of Bilbo’s real name, the language in which “Meriadoc” is actually “Kalimac”), and invented a post-hoc reason why “Brandywine” would be its best translation into English…WHICH IT ISN’T. Because the pun never existed in the first place, Tolkien just made it up for his own amusement.

You talk about your fantasy. This is fantasy. Tolkien imagines that he found some ancient scrolls, and translated them, but having found that they were written in many different languages that were all related to one another even as our languages are related to one another he had to find a way to map these linguistic variations for his reader by adopting a certain translational strategy which made reference to the history of the European languages as we know it today.

And he did a couple other weird things like that as well, which I don’t have the time to go into here.

But…gosh, eh?

Yeah.

However don’t feel too superior: we do the same thing as Tolkien (albeit in a more lowbrow way) when we ask if Superman can beat up Thor.

Wow!

What cleverness. Because as I said, these heroes all have their own milieux, and all those milieux are in some essential way incommensurable. The rules aren’t the same. The match-ups are impossible.

And yet I consider it as clear as glass that Superman could not beat up the Silver Surfer, but that Orion could. Shang-Chi beats Peter Cannon, Thunderbolt every time. Even Popeye will get clobbered by Batman, once…but when they meet up again, Batman better watch out.

I am moving and moving, Bloggers, towards a large-ish point about superheroes and the people who read them that I intend to make sometime in the beginning of January…

We have had some daring experiments in this vein. The Al Milgrom (and Roger Stern?) Superman vs. The Hulk still sends a shiver up my spine…note to Matthew, in large part because it’s the first FF/Hulk storyline only re-done Superman-style…

Syzygy Darklock would beat Dr. Strange, I think.

Dr. Doom would fail against Rac Shade…oh my God what a story that would be

If Doc Savage had been in Watchmen, Veidt would’ve been in jail by issue #3, and Dr. Manhattan would’ve been neutralized in issue #6. And then set free again in issue #8.

The Shadow would be immobilized by the Flash, but not Green Lantern.

Green Lantern would beat Dr. Who.

Dr. Who would beat Darkseid.

Captain Marvel and Mighty Mouse would fight to a standstill.

There’s a whole universe of weird, secretive value-judgements here. Forbidden value-judgements. Transgressive value-judgements. There are avenues in our minds that lead through and past the barriers of incommensurability, into a weirdly tolerant Elysium of silliness. Tom Sawyer could beat up Tom Swift, that much is clear. Huck Finn would out-detect the Hardy Boys, given half a chance. It’s not just that the oldest beats the youngest, either: Picard would take Kirk in a fight, even if Kirk would end up getting to the computer first. Spock would miss what Bashir sees. You know it’s true.

Giant-Man would beat Iron Man, if it came down to it.

It’s a weird world.

And all of us the sea, that its waves move across.

More on this later. I feel like Eddie Campbell. Only, you know, without the talent or the smarts.

Okay, taking off for a couple of days! Watch my seat, wouldja?

The Good Chris Claremont

Yes, some of his characters — well, a lot of them, actually — talk like leprechauns.

Yes, he’s guilty of terrible, terrible shortcuts.

Yes, he (ironically!) mostly writes his “strong, independent” women so that they sound like a cross between Erica Kane, and Robert A. Heinlein wearing a dress.

And yes — his speed belies his size.

But y’know…I remember the good Chris Claremont. The envelope-pushing, “realism”-loving, teen crush-creating, skillful pinch-hitting (let’s just put the climactic issue of my beloved Englehart/Milgrom Captain Marvel to one side, if we can), topical silly maundering fascinating always-trying-new-things goddamn Chris Claremont right on Maude.

I think he was under-utilized, by the big comics Establishment. Which is saying a lot, really, because they used him on practically everything, for a while. It’s a wonder they didn’t wear the poor guy out. But these colours don’t run, damn it! And though I don’t care for Chris’ contemporary scripting (well, I don’t care for Stan’s, either), there’s no denying that when his style still seemed fresh and vivid, he accomplished many, many more things than I ever have in my life.

Let’s look at some of his accomplishments!

ITEM! X-Men #97 to X-Men #143, a run which invites comparison with Lee and Ditko’s great Mordo/Dormammu sequence, or indeed with any of the great protracted superhero storylines of the Sixties or Seventies, and whose climax in #137 represents not just such a unique collision between Past Good Claremont with Future Bad Claremont that together they open the door to Ultimate Pan-Dimensional Mind-Bendingly Awesome Claremont, but which also represents the very best work of the Byrne/Austin team even just purely in terms of art…though I think we all know by now that their contributions went far beyond even that brilliant, brilliant art. Make no mistake, friends, this was the Galactus Trilogy of the Eighties, and moreover it was supposed to be, and better than that, it WAS…with all #137′s showering and shaving, that marked X-Men as a new, more multicultural, more kaleidoscopic Fantastic Four, a new idea of family-as-choice, for a new time…chillin’ in the Blue Area…

ITEM! Iron Fist, the series that dared to ask “what if Daredevil could see, and knew kung fu?” Answer: it would be totally AWESOME, in the hands of Chris and John…right up (again!) to the massively cool Couldness detonation that was Power Man/Iron Fist #1, that (sorry, Ann!) finished everything before it began, and ensured that the kickstart was so raucous it could never be lived up to afterwards in terms of sheer NOISE. Maybe the most auspicious premiere issue of anything that I have ever read. Maybe my favourite Byrne/Claremont collaboration ever. ‘Sploitation? You want ‘sploitation? Man, at the time, I remember thinking they’d just go on, and on, and on…

Hold on, I’m working up to something here…

ITEM! Marvel Team Up, the title we could almost call the Claremont/Byrne Handbook Of The Marvel Universe, that brought such fucked-uppedly good stories as Spider-Man/Havok + Spider-Man/Thor, and Spider-Man/Yellowjacket + Spider-Man/The Wasp, to my grateful eyes. Wow! Could this Claremont/Byrne team do no wrong?

But hold on…it wasn’t just Claremont/Byrne. No. Up above, there, in the X-Men exhibit, is some Claremont/Cockrum, too…ah, you young kids who don’t know the goddamn Dave Cockrum, you’re missing a lot. And ask Chris: he was always lucky in the artists he got paired with. Why I recall an early MTIO featuring the Thing and the Black Widow, one of the finest portfolio-pieces a comic writer could wish for, where Chris’ script was brought to life by none other than the Goddamn Bob Brown

So as fine (and unstoppable) as the Byrne/Claremont collaboration was, let’s look at some other stuff, too…

ITEM! X-Men and Teen Titans Special, written by Chris Claremont and drawn by Walt Simonson. Villains: Darkseid and Dark Phoenix.

I have nothing to tell you about this. As a comic fan, I freakin’ lost it, reading this. I think even Marv was grinding his teeth in envy. And that’s Marv! You know, author of the goddamn Tomb Of Dracula…?

Okay, that “goddamn” thing is getting tiresome, I’ll admit. Tell you what: when Frank stops, I’ll stop…

Marv Wolfman. Hey, come to think about it, let’s think about Marv. I say Chris Claremont is a mutated replicant based on genetic material taken from Marv, Roy, and fractional amounts of the Two Steves, with maybe just a little powdered Tony Isabella thrown in for piquancy, over a bed of sweet Len Wein. In other words, you prick the fellow and he bleeds ITEM!s. In his day, like Alvy Singer’s aunt, he was quite the beauty.

Okay, actually you can let go, now. I’m not working up to anything, I’m just drivelling, and since I’ve got limited time (going out of town for a bit), I’d better stop.

But, does anyone else remember the Good Chris Claremont? He was a character introducer and reviver par excellence (maybe Marvel’s last great character-introducer? Not counting Simonson’s work with the noted Canadian icon Horse-Face Thor), and he could work the yellow-captioned second-person narrative voice, and he made Banshee a favourite character of mine, for God’s sake. He implied that Charles Xavier had at one point engaged in sex. He made me sympathize with an evil Magneto.

They say you were quite the beauty in your day, Chris. Is it true?

(Psst…Jon J. Muth sent you this letter…he wants to meet and discuss that Curse Of Chalion thing…)

(Psst…Jon J…Chris sent you this letter…)

Lucia Di Gotterdammermoore

Clever title, no?

Welcome, gentle Bloggers, to this week’s Theatre Of The Obvious; the ushers will show you to your seats. Our play tonight is The Most Tragickal Storie of How The DC Universe Swallowede Its Own Monstrous Taile, And Then Liked It Too Muche, starring Alan Moore as Barry Allen, Mark Waid as The Psycho-Pirate, and Geoff Johns as The Anti-Matter Universe of Qward. Everybody’s favourite Ye Olde Grant Morrison makes a walk-on appearance as either Lady Quark or Buddy Baker, I’m not sure which, and our own Keith Giffen supplies sets and costumes to the whole dubious affair as best he can.

Let me say first that I liked Crisis on Infinite Earths, that I like to think Marv Wolfman and I could be friends if I was sufficently knowledgeable about bottles of Scotch, and that I’m glad DC keeps pissing off Alan Moore.

I’m glad, because if they’d never started, he might never have left. And if he’d never left, would we have had From Hell, LOEG, Lost Girls, or Big Numbers? Or even 1963, you see. Grant Morrison is happy to play a pop-magic version of the Fox, the Broome, and the Schwartz with DC Comics, and I love him for it (I love Vimanarama and The Invisibles more, of course, but Seven Soldiers is a career in any league), however the way Grant plays with comics is his own thing, and Alan’s got another.

(Should I have said that Neil Gaiman plays the role of the little Indian boy that Oberon, King of the Fairies, takes a shine to? No, probably not…)

Alan’s like Kirby: no one listens to him, but then they all pick through his wastepaper basket for the treasure of his discarded coffee-cups and stir-sticks once he’s stormed off. Kirby, ever prescient, was right about graphic novels and modern mythology…only no one listened to him. Alan, ever penetrating, was right about the superhero’s truest arch-enemy being horror…and no one listened to him either.

Or rather, they listened: but they didn’t hear.

Well, Grant heard. But aside from Grant.

And so the curtain rises on our play, because I just re-read Alan’s proposal for Twilight Of The Superheroes, and found myself thanking whatever powers may be that he never got the chance to make it. Devilish fellow, he found a way of making a sequel to Watchmen…what audacity. And yet for Alan, audacity’s just part of the way you do things. He didn’t need to be audacious in the world of DC: he’s audacious wherever he goes, he carries his audacity with him. Who is it, that effortlessly creates brand-new superhero concepts and universes that actually sell, while he’s taking a break from more important work? Who is it, whose voice lends solidity to even the slimmest of storytelling reeds? Who is it that does what only hardcore Christian comics can normally do, which is pick up a thread of historical buffery and make viable comics from it. Who made a comic about competitors to the Standard Model of physics. Who made a comic about the intersection of the Mandlebrot set and the gentrification of working-class towns. Who made a comic about the sublimation of masturbation in English fantasy literature. Who is Alan Moore, is who.

So aren’t you glad we never saw him tackle the stultifying topic of “Who Is Donna Troy?”

Although if he had, we’d probably be done with it by now…oh no, Bloggers, don’t kid yourselves: we’re not done

So there we have Twilight Of The Superheroes, a proposal for a twelve-issue post-Crisis millenial longjohn nightmare in the DCU proper, to be published somewhere around…oh God, it would’ve ended up being sometime in 1989, wouldn’t it? Kee-rist. Talk about having your finger on the pulse. Holy jumpin’ catfish.

And then the influences spreading out from it to other DC titles would’ve lasted (I speculate) perhaps ten years or so, before they would inevitably have gotten, as history shows these things do, somewhat confining and topheavy. Leaving, then, just enough time for a smart turn in some new direction, sometime around the year 2000.

Lovely. Elegant.

But, it never happened.

Oh, except…it kind of did.

It kind of did, because instead of a twelve-issue limited series beginning and ending sometime in the late Eighties, what we’ve gotten instead is a seemingly never-ending, truthfully rather dated in 2007, infinitely (pardon the pun) more ham-fisted millenial nightmare that just mines and mines and mines Alan’s proposal, and never even bothers refining what comes out of the vein. I love Grant Morrison’s work in the DC Universe. But: Black Adam as Kid Miracleman? Really? Grant, of all people, passed that? Alan certainly never would’ve: he didn’t even want anybody to mention the word “nuclear” in Twilight, he thought by then that was pretty old hat. Oh, Grant. Listen, Mister Miracle #4 is (as I’ve stated on several occasions) one of the best comics I’ve read everEVER — but…

Hey, but hold on, let’s not blame it all on Grant. He’s only Lady Quark, after all.

What about Mark Waid?

You see, I love Mark Waid. I’ve absolutely hated a lot of his comics, but when he’s on he’s ON: he’s got a tremendous amount of talent and potential, professionally he’s enormously capable, he can — in a word — write. Well, Geoff Johns can write too, I guess. I have read some Johns stuff which I admired. I’ve read some frickin’ Superman comics by Johns that I’ve admired greatly, surely the litmus test for our sort of genre writer. But where Waid scores, he scores higher than Johns, and that’s hard to deny. Which is only natural: he’s got some years on his little buddy, after all. He should be better!

But then, maybe that also makes him more to blame, you see?

We have Kingdom Come. Alan Moore must feel like Barry Allen in Crisis, his once-fresh (well, I daresay he would not characterize them as fresh, these days) ideas phasing in and out of different time periods through the last twenty years of DC history, and in an ever-more decrepit state each time they’re seen…the Twilight of the superheroes he imagined as a single story (albeit with ramifications) becoming a permanent, tide-locked, line-wide theme…Kingdom Come, with its sublimated House Of Steel/House Of Thunder conflicts and its appallingly didactic, sickeningly corrective “Trinity” shenanigans, seems simply unable to be kept within its allotted little ‘verse in the (where’s that link? SCIPIO, HELP!) fascinatingly suggestive post-52 world of DC multiversal structure…no.

Instead, Kingdom Come, as the most notable and closest copy — we could call it Copy-Prime — of Alan’s Gotterdammerung, just keeps bleeding out onto all the other titles, and all the other universes too.

I’m telling you, they should just burn all the Xeroxes of Alan’s proposal that they have lying around the DC offices. Just burn ‘em and get rid of ‘em. Remove the taint of them. Use hypnosis, if necessary. Heat vision, even. Or, anything but super-ventriloquism, eh? Because only Alan can be Alan: his story was intended (and I don’t believe I’m taking any liberties by saying this) to live or die on its details — details of actual script, art, colouring, lettering. The theme was supposed to be in the work, and never supposed to be decoupled from it. It was not a blueprint for managing editors, it was a story.

A story, not a twenty-year plan for a New Direction!

I’m sure that Mark and Geoff would both readily admit that Alan’s their master, in the realm of comics writing. In fact it’s probably silly to imagine them saying otherwise: no artist worth his salt ever imagines that he’s at the top of the heap in absolute terms (except possibly if his name is Picasso). No real artist likes themselves best. This isn’t athletics, where in order to truly do your damnedest you must be willing to defeat your idol.

Which is why I’m not afraid to say: Mark Waid has played Psycho-Pirate to Alan Moore’s Flash. People think it’s Grant Morrison who plays that part, but they’re wrong. I’ve read every word of all of Mark’s scripts since his first Flash Annual, and his responses in letters pages and editorials too. I’m very familar with Mark’s work. He’s not a traditionalist, despite his encyclopaediac knowledge of comics trivia. He’s an innovator in his heart: a risk-taker. A mountain-biker, if you will. True, he does his best work when pretending to be a traditionalist — and some of his work in that mode is very, very good indeed — but make no mistake. Grant Morrison’s an addle-headed, swooning, girlishly-excited fan-creature. Geoff Johns is a plodding, frequently overly-literal, craftsman-in-the-making full of future potential. Mark Waid’s all business, though. He’s a tiger. He’s a crazy man, fully of age: don’t get in his way, or he’ll knock you down.

At a guess: Alan Moore’s his hero.

Which would explain why he looks and looks on him so.

While Geoff Johns provides the background to that looking.

I love Alan Moore’s writing; but if he were still writing what he’d been writing twenty years ago, I would’ve long since become disenchanted with him. Thank God, then, that he’s never stopped moving or changing! But Twilight Of The Superheroes, his cast in this DC earth, needs to absent itself from the whole being-dug-up thing. He would tell you so himself, if you could get him to care. It really has outlived its time, and I’m beginning to despair of it exhibiting any moral conclusions that aren’t simply, at this point, perfunctory. In just a couple of years, the payoff-moment for all this millenial madness will have come and gone a freakin’ decade ago. We will be into a new era. “These are the times…These are the feelings.” Even Veidt knew that, and in the mid-Eighties no less.

I guess I cry foul. I guess I cry obvious. Anyway I cry, I cry…

Burn those fucking Xeroxes, DC.

You’ve got a year to start the fire. But seriously, that’s the absolute outside limit.

And then after that I hope to God we’ll see something that isn’t a repetition of somebody’s bad mood they had once in the Eighties. That produced some mighty fine comics then. But which isn’t producing any mighty fine comics now, by a long shot.

Thus, is ended, our play!

Costumes and sets lovingly crafted by that underrated talent, Keith Giffen. That guy can make almost anything look good. But seriously, Mr. Waid: please look into exchanging a little of that fire of yours for some cool self-knowledge, because since everybody gets older you will have to do it sometime, and now’s…well, I was going to say now’s as good a time as any, but now’s the time!

And Mr. Johns: as for you, please emulate your own best accomplishments. You’re never too young to put off trying to seem older.

Finally, Mr. Morrison: whatever can you be thinking, Mr. Morrison? But you have some credit in the bank with me, Mr. Morrison. Plaese spend that credit wisely: it’s rather a large amount of credit, and I would hate to see you waste it. I expect to be past the millenium before 2009; and it’s not often I ask you to keep up with me, but…

In all seriousness, I’m through waiting.

Get your shoes on. We’re going for a run.

Hope you cross the finish line before I do.


November 2007
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